


Not A Bad Person

by FlorenceofArabia



Category: Agent Carter (TV), Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Absent Parents, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Bisexual Howard stark, Bisexual Peggy Carter, But he does love his son, Complete, Dysfunctional Family, Howard is not great at this parenting thing, Hydra (Marvel), Multi, One-Sided Relationship, POV Howard Stark, Pining, Postpartum Depression, World War II
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-04-30 06:28:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 35,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5153681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlorenceofArabia/pseuds/FlorenceofArabia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story of Howard Stark's life, from his rise to wealth and fame, to his time during WWII, helping to found S.H.I.E.L.D., and discovering that organization had been infiltrated by Hydra. Along the way it looks at his difficult relationship with his son, his complicated friendship with Peggy, and his enduring love for Steve.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Art of the Possible

“My life has to be like this, it has to keep going on”  
Jay Gatsby 

Howard Stark has always known how to be the person other people wanted him to be. He likes to say he doesn’t care what anyone thinks, but this in itself is an affectation; a part of a persona. The people who say they don’t care are always the ones trying their hardest to convince everyone else. He only ever met a very few people in his life with a true core of self, who followed their own convictions, resisting and refusing to let anyone else create them in the image they wanted to see. Howard has his vision but that’s not the same as being his own person. 

His father always told him that the way you sell anything is to sell yourself. No one really knows what they’re doing so make it seem like you do and they’ll believe you. When he has a son of his own he passes down this advice. He knows it upset his father, the fact that he changed his name, that he pretends he came from an old family fallen on hard times, that lies about his religion; or worse that it isn’t really his religion just the one he was born into. He knows they think he’s rejecting them. But in fact he’s just taking that philosophy to heart. They came to America to give him chances they never had and in America there’s only so far Hermann Spiegel, a poor kid from the Lower East Side can go. But for ‘Howard Stark’ anything is possible. 

But they don’t see this. To them its just another example of how they made a mistake coming here. When he was younger he used to get impatient when they talked about the old country. If they didn’t want him to be an American why did they leave? Why didn’t they appreciate that here anyone can make it if they have a good idea and the determination to see it through? Its not until he’s older that he thinks about how hard they worked and why they had so little to show for it. 

He comes to visit when he can and offers to help out with whatever money he can spare and usually gets the same question; What is it that you do?  
“I’m an inventor”  
“That doesn’t sound like a real job.”  
It isn’t really. But its better than saying ‘I follow ideas and see where they lead. I’ve got a million dreams and I want to see if I can make them real’ He moves from job to job trying to learn as much as he can since there’s no money for him to go to college and get a proper degree. He’s not even sure what it is he’d study. He tries to find potential investors by palling around with people who have money, the kind of people he’s always resented, who don’t know what its like to worry about being able to pay the doctor or to have been working since they were kids because their family needs the extra income. His accent is a little rough around the edges but he still sounds like a rich cocky asshole. At first he only has one good suit and even that’s shabby but people have to really get to know him to see that. Part of the trick is changing his ties. He learns early on to imitate young men whose daddies got them jobs, whose families go back to before there was an America. When they think he’s one of them they talk about how people like him are taking over banking and Hollywood and everything else in the country. He just jokes about it but there’s a part of him that hates himself for hanging around with these jerks, for trying to be like them, for hiding his heritage like its something to be ashamed of.  
What he really needs is a place to work and the raw material to play around with. One day he meets a man whose trying to sell elaborate kitchen appliances of his own design. The stuff works but he’s a lousy salesman so Howard offers to sell his entire inventory for him by the end of the day in return for access to his lab. The guy just shrugs, what does he have to loose? Howard doesn’t quite make good on his boast but manages to move enough product that he calls it even. He works seven days a week and at night he makes modifications and tinkers with his own projects. Soon the other guy has enough to retire on and just sells the whole thing to Howard who starts taking out patents. He’s a good salesman, he always makes sure to be let people know exactly what it is that they’re getting but there are other things he doesn’t mention. 

It’s the same with women. He lets them know up front that all they can expect from him is a good time. There’s a bit of a learning curve but he’s very adaptable and once he gets his technique down he can be reasonably confident that no girl will leave his bed with buyer’s remorse. ‘This model is handsome, well (if not expensively) dressed, knows all of the most fashionable restaurants and hottest night clubs and has a variety of options he can offer you for your intimate pleasure.’ Of course the problem is that they seem to think that there are other features not advertised. He tries to never tell them he’ll call back when he has no intention of doing so but for some dames that really doesn’t cut it. Sometimes he feels guilty but he also thinks it’s a little unfair. Sure women noticed him when he was a teenager without two cents to rub together but now that he has dough to flash around they seem much more interested. But that’s part of it. Money and sex are sometimes hard concepts for him to pull apart. His first investor is one of his conquests, a socialite with a passion for race cars and aviation. She’s also got a husband who lives in France with his mistress. She cuts him a check and tells him to show her what he can do. In two months he brings her double her investment in cash. He spreads it all over the bed and screw on top of it, exhilarated by success and the sheer tastelessness and excess. 

Its not just women though, he always knew he liked men, but he assumed that everyone had thoughts like this from time to time. No reason to act on them. But one night he goes to a party in Greenwich Village and a painter asks him nervously if he’d like to go back to his place to look at some of his work. Howard admits that he’s never had an eye for art but he’s curious and something about the man draws him in. It’s a summer night and there are a lot of people outside, now that the day’s oppressive humidity has lifted, letting everyone emerge from their homes and offices. The two of them lean together and his companion stumbles a little to put his arm around his waist using alcohol as his excuse. That’s how he winds up very drunk at three in the morning making love to another man. After crossing this Rubicon he realizes that not everyone else does. But it seems to fit, he is used to being two different people and that’s what this feels like. He’s a playboy with ladies but he’s queer as well. Women don’t realize he likes men and men assume he’s just with women for show. There are other men he meets who go for both and understand; but most of the time he just feels split down the middle. 

He starts buying property, a penthouse in the city, a place on Long Island where he throws large parties on the weekends, and he opens up a branch of his company in California with a mansion in Beverly Hills to go along with it. He also fulfills a personal fantasy of his and adds some movie stars to his long list of conquests. He gets more involved in automobiles and aircraft. He likes to go up flying and after a few lessons he starts to do it on his own, getting to be a very good pilot. People tell him he should start developing weapons, there’s going to be another war everyone says. Its not that he hasn’t thought about this and there’s a lot he’ll do to turn a profit but there are things he’s not comfortable making money from. Death is one of them and if he’s going to throw his considerable talents into another war it had better be the only option available. But the more he hears about what’s going on in Germany the more his resolve starts to weaken and he begins toying with ideas. When he’s being honest with himself he has to admit that its kind of fun to come up with these things but he’s worried about seeing what they will actually do to flesh and bone. 

Even before the attack on Pearl Harbor he’s approached by the SSR. He wonders if their decision to send the gorgeous British broad with the great rack was based on the things the papers reported about his love life. Of course he flirted with Peggy Carter but she made it very clear that she was not here to mess around and even if she was, he wasn’t her type and she wouldn’t touch his member with a ten foot pole. In a way he was glad she rejected him because he found himself liking her a lot. They worked better as friends and colleagues than they would have ever been as lovers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way I just wanted to put a couple of things out there. For starters if you hate Howard Stark then you might want to look elsewhere because he's one of my favorite characters so this work will be fairly sympathetic. That being said I want to make it clear that this is from his POV and just because I like him doesn't mean I agree with everything he thinks and does.  
> I hope you enjoy it!


	2. Rebirth

When war is declared he does his patriotic duty and officially puts all his time and energy into the effort, well not so much that he misses Stark Expo. Though he finds himself working on a variety of projects the one he is told to focus on is Project Rebirth. This suits him since he finds Dr. Erskine pleasant to collaborate with and the guy’s research on this kind of genetic engineering is unparalleled. One night over a bottle of schnapps he tells Howard about the disaster with a scientist called Schmitt and his concerns about the selection criteria.   
“You’re worried we might be creating another version of that guy?” He asks   
“Yes, but I’m also worried about the kind of thing that you have to worry about with, well with regular soldiers.” Howard understands the conflict, if this works Erskine will be sending a very deadly army to fight his own countrymen.   
“Like what if it works but our guy has a breakdown, or gets some orders he really shouldn’t follow, or loses his best friend and decides to massacre a village full of civilians in revenge?”  
“I’m glad you understand Mr. Stark. It needs to be someone who has the necessary determination, intelligence, and willingness to fight but also knows the value of strength, who understands that kindness and compassion are not weakness, and who cares more about saving the innocent than punishing the guilty. Someone who respects authority but will disobey orders he finds unethical”  
“Basically we need a really good guy” He senses that Erskine may have a candidate   
“You do know that no matter the height, weight, medical condition of the subject he will still end up about the same; roughly 6 feet tall, about 250 pounds, no health problems, 20/20 vision. So it doesn’t matter if the subject is 5 foot 4 or the target height to begin with.” The doctor seems to be trying to soften a blow   
“What’s his name and what’s wrong with him?” Erskine hands him a file and Howard lets out a low whistle   
“Wow when I asked what was wrong with him I didn’t expect the answer to be ‘everything’. Poor kid he must be pretty tough to still be alive though.” He looks at the photo “He’s kind of adorable, I might want to keep him as a pet if we don’t go through with this. What made you pick him?” Erskine gives him a look that reminds him of the way his father used to look at him when he was being a smartass, which was most of the time   
“He tried to join the army four times and was understandably rejected. That peaked my interest but I was a little worried that he might just be a jingoist, or have a vendetta against Germans, or he was a man who’d been knocked around too much and now he wanted to take it out on someone”   
“Those all sound like legitimate concerns. What made you think that wasn’t the case?”  
“When I asked him if he wanted to kill Nazi’s he said he didn’t want to kill anyone, he just didn’t like bullies, he didn’t care where they were from.” Howard looks back at the picture of the skinny young man with the big eyes. He didn’t look heroic or intimidating but even though he appeared to be tired and out of breath, there was a fierce determination that came across even through the grainy photograph.   
“Also he jumped a grenade on instinct to protect the unit of other men who’ve been treating him like dirt throughout basic training, turned out to be a dud of course; Phillips was trying to prove a point”   
“You realize that the process…well if it works it’ll cure all of his medical conditions and that would be great but…he’s going to be gaining several inches in height and a whole load of muscle. It’s going to put a lot of strain on his body and it…well there’s no way to sugarcoat it, he’s going to feel like he’s being racked.”   
“I warned him it was going to be painful but I think…I think he will be able to withstand it.” Howard nods, he really wishes they didn’t have to use a human test subject and this serum is extremely volatile. But there’s no other choice and Erskine’s already got him wanting this little guy to be bulked up enough to serve, as he clearly wanted to do. Sometimes he feels guilty that he’s not on the front lines himself but he’s too practical to be overly concerned. He’s demonstrably more useful where he is now.   
“Well its decided then. I’ll push as hard as I can for this Rogers guy if we both insist on him the brass is going to have to agree” 

When he first sees Steve Rogers come in with Peggy he is reminded of his initial reaction, he is awfully cute. He also notices the way Peggy seems loath to go upstairs and leave him. Figures he’d be her type of guy. They start the procedure and the screaming begins. Howard is frozen in place, terrified that he’s miscalculated. He hears Peggy call to shut it down but Rogers yells that he can do this. Howard remembers what he said about it being comparable to being racked. What strikes him is that the screaming has stopped. At first the man inside had reacted to the pain but once he heard them talking about shutting it down he was forcing himself to stay quiet so that they wouldn’t be tempted to do the same thing again. He really had to hand it to this guy. ‘Please be all right’ he thinks ‘Please don’t be dead. Please don’t let me have made a mistake’  
But when the machine opens everything is perfect, Rogers is perfect. He finds that once the initial relief has passed, well he’s not the only one who’s impressed. The nurse whose supposed to give him a shirt seems to be very reluctant to do so and even Peggy can’t resist touching his chest. But any triumph is quickly interrupted by one of the observers taking the back up vial of serum and shooting Erskine before running away. So now the poor doctor is dead and the secret of how to stabilize the serum has gone with him. Also whoever HYDRA has working on their tech is better than Howard or knows something he doesn’t.  
“Really Howard? Is that what bothers you” Peggy asks him   
“Yes, you generally want the bad guys to be worse at this stuff!”   
She rolls her eyes “For the sake of the free world I want you to be the best there is. But your ego makes a tiny little part of me want HYRDA to win” Howard feigns horror and Peggy smiles but then her face falls again “Poor Dr. Erskine”  
“I know, he was a nice guy and when it came to this process he was the master. It might take years to create more super soldiers. Speaking of which how’s your boyfriend?”   
“He’s not my boyfriend” Peggy snaps but she blushes a little  
He’s kind of frustrated that they’re using his very expensive and time consuming creation to sell war bonds. Erskine may have been the expert when it came to that stuff but he had made a very significant contribution. He wonders if Steve is all right with that, he doesn’t seem like the showbiz type.


	3. The Green Light

The next time Howard meets him they don’t really interact. Peggy comes to him asking for a risky dangerous favor and Howard takes her up on it. Because that’s what friends do and because he’s a show off and because he’s really bad at calculating what constitutes a reasonable risk, and maybe because he’d like to get an eyeful of Steve again. The idea of one guy leading an assault on a HYDRA base to get his friend back is so plucky and desperate he feels he kind of has to help. Steve survives and he finds himself spending a lot of time with him and Peggy, when they all have any time to spare. He can’t remember ever liking a couple of people the way he likes them. He sees why Steve wins everyone over in the end. He’s just so sweet and painfully earnest and yes he’s very handsome. ‘I’m Pygmalion’ he thinks ‘I made the ideal man and now…’ he doesn’t know how he feels but there’s something about all that work and thought being realized in flesh. And Steve in his godlike perfection looks so much like a marble statue that he can’t help thinking of the myth. He finds himself wanting to be honest with Steve. He isn’t always but he wants to be and that’s rare. One night he takes him to dinner at a very nice restaurant. Or what was a nice restaurant before food shortages. Almost immediately he notices his friend’s discomfort.   
“Hey Star Spangled Man With A Plan, is this bothering you because we can go someplace else?”  
“Oh no! Howard I’m sorry I’m…I’m just not used to... This is really swell of you and…” Steve floundered helplessly and Howard leans in close   
“Do you think I was born to this? I’m faking it as best I can. No one really cares at the end of the day and if they do fuck em”  
“Then why are you pretending?” asks Steve and its partially a rebuttal but also a very genuine question. That evening they talk about New York, get in a semi serious fight about the Yankees and the Dodgers. Steve, with a little prodding tells Howard about his upbringing. They don’t seem like they have much in common but they both got their start as poor kids with immigrant parents, chips on their shoulders, and a distrust of the rich kids and the WASPs. In return he tells the other man the truth about his family and his real name. He jokes about how even though the world may see them both as the epitome of all things American neither of them will ever be president on account of their respective religious and ethnic backgrounds. Steve nods and asks him if he’s ever read The Great Gatsby. Its one of those books that they give the soldiers and Steve in turn gifts Howard his copy. He isn’t sure what to make of the comparison. The next time they go out, a very drunk Howard takes Steve back to his place and starts taking his shirts and tossing them up into the air. At first Steve doesn’t get it he just laughs and catches them like it’s a test. So he shows off how high he can jump and how quick his reflexes are; how he knows not to lean back too far and barely avoids nocking over the bookcase.  
“How does one man have this many shirts?”   
“I like having options”  
He thinks about his mother working long hours to make shirtwaists. He wonders about the women who made the ones he’s throwing into the air now, on a whim because of something he read. He likes all of them, he’ll never get rid of any of them, he appreciates all of them but he won’t cry if one gets torn or dirty.  
“I get that… I suppose, but why are you throwing them?” Asks Steve. Howard gets out the book and the other man just shakes his head   
“So are you trying to tell me something, my friend?”   
“No, you just said that you were sort of playing at being rich and I remember wondering why someone would want to do that. Then just…” He sort of gestures with his hands, trying to show his thought process “‘You’re worth a hundred of them’ that line from the book kind of wandered through my head. Also you said you changed your name. Did you like it though?”  
“Yes I did. But I don’t plan on you being the only attendant at my funeral. Lotta blondes walk through my life and unless one of them gives me syphilis, which I take precautions against, I don’t plan on any of them doing a number on me”  
“Howard I’m really sorry, I swear I didn’t mean it as an insult of any kind…but I suppose if you insist on my trying to send you some kind of message I’ll just say this; with your brains and creativity and charm…no that’s not the right word. You are charming but you’re a genuinely kind person too, or at least I think you are in addition to being the smartest guy I’ve ever met. Anyway you could do anything in the world. And you do…you do so much great work…just don’t ever waste your efforts on a dream that isn’t worthy of you because really the kind of people you try to impress well ‘you’re worth a hundred of them’”  
Howard doesn’t know what to say to this. Sure people tell him he’s smart all the time, they say he’s invaluable, that he can be as rich as he wants. But no one has ever told him they thought he was a good person and he thinks, no one’s ever seen him for who he was and not what he could do. He wants to be the man his friend just described; he wants to live up to his expectations, to be the person Steve seems to think he is. 

He likes to think he would have gotten involved in what the British officers informally referred to as “That bloody business with the batman” if he hadn’t spoken to Steve. But when he hears two intelligence men arguing about an officer who’d forged a signature to get his Jewish fiancée out of Hungary safely he jumps at the opportunity to help this guy out. It takes a lot of favors but he manages to get the treason charge dropped. He’s irritated that he’s stuck with a dishonorable discharge but the trade off is getting the Hungarian lady asylum in the States, all thanks to a campaign contribution to a senator friend of his. When he finally meets Mr. Jarvis the man is generally stunned  
“Sir, may I ask, do I know you?”  
“Nope. Or if we have I’m sorry to say I don’t remember” He seems troubled by this  
“I don’t mean to seem ungrateful. I can assure you, my wife and I are the opposite, in fact I cannot adequately express my gratitude…but I can’t fathom why you went to so much trouble for myself and Anna when you don’t know us.”  
“I honestly just like to help. I’m not a particularly selfless man to be honest but I like to support the ones who are. I heard about what you did and thought you were treated pretty terribly. Sorry your girl has to go to the States I just don’t have the necessary clout over here.” Jarvis shook his head   
“No that’s fine. My family has been positively horrid about all this and between that and the fact that I am currently out of a job I don’t see any reason to stay here. I look forward to starting over in America”  
“Well that’s the place for it” He worries about Jarvis now, what will he do in the states? What will his fiancée do? He remembers hearing somewhere…an ancient proverb by way of a really confusing thriller, that when you save someone’s life you’re responsible for it. He hasn’t gone that far but he still feels he ought to see these two through. “Do you need a job? Stark Industries is a big place, I’m sure I could find something for you to do.” But this offer just seems to make things worse since the poor man looks like he’s in pain  
“I really couldn’t impose on your charity any more. Besides I’m looking for work as a valet and I have rather exacting standards”  
“Well you’re confident” He means this as a compliment but Jarvis draws himself up as if he’s being challenged   
“I may not be a captain of industry or a brilliant scholar or a great soldier but I am a very good valet and if I’m going to devote my services to someone it ought to be someone worthwhile.” He likes Jarvis’ spirit, he likes a person who knows their own value, understands their own strengths and abilities.   
“So what is it that a valet does exactly...I’m curious I’ve never employed one. I suppose that gives me away as nouveau riche doesn’t it?”  
“Not necessarily sir. Americans can sometimes have different customs and you seem to me to be an independent minded sort of gentleman”   
“I like to think of myself as “eccentric” lets people know I’m fun as well as brilliant” Jarvis raises an eyebrow at him  
“Sir, would you like a valet? I mean you could give me a week and if you find me to be a nuisance I wouldn’t have to stay on” Howard thinks ‘Why not?’ so he takes him up on the offer. This turns out to be one of the best decisions of his life.


	4. The Crash

It doesn’t take that long, after a day Howard decides he has to have Jarvis around on a permanent basis. After the proposed week he can’t figure out how he ever lived without the man. He had help before but mainly to look after his properties. Now he has someone taking care of him and it’s a wonderful feeling. In addition to making his life run more smoothly Jarvis has a talent for anticipating his desires before he’s aware of them. He doesn’t judge Howard, which he appreciates. He doesn’t seem bothered when he’s been out drinking the night before and just mixes him a killer hangover cure. He doesn’t ask why Howard needs handcuffs, or blindfolds, or why a man who’s never been on a horse in his life has such an impressive collection of riding crops, instead he just organizes everything neatly. He particularly appreciates Jarvis’s ability to shuttle one night stands out of his bedroom and into cabs before he’s done having a shower so he can get on with his morning. Jarvis has his own rules as well. He goes home at nine o’clock to be with his wife and Howard doesn’t get to make him stay past that, even if he’s entertaining. He also forces Howard to have three meals a day and makes it clear that meals aren’t be drunk out of a bottle. 

He really knows he’s lucky when he’s not careful enough and Jarvis finds a man in his bed. Howard tries to give him an elaborate excuse but he is cut off;   
“Sir don’t bother, I went to Eaton. You can’t fool me or shock me”   
So when Howard gets the call about Steve, and Jarvis finds him reduced to a drunken, broken mess on the floor of his workshop, he understands. Howard himself hadn’t really until Peggy told him about the crash. Most of it was due to Peggy as a matter of fact. Though he liked their being friends he’d come to care for her more than any of the women who’d drifted through his life and if she ever told him she wanted to be anything more he wouldn’t think twice. But he’d never want to get between her and Steve. The two just seem so perfect together; passion and recklessness but tempered with discipline and common sense. They were dreamers but not fools. He tried not to think of Peggy that way, she’d made her boundaries clear and he felt uncomfortable crossing them if only in his fantasies. But it’s the thought of the two of them together that sets him on fire. It makes him feel guilty though, like he’s intruding on something, their growing fragile love, this thing that must always be put to the side because they all have a war to fight. This is where Howard puts his longing as well. After this is over he’ll figure this out, after the war he’ll be able to understand what the hell is going on inside his head. 

He lets all the Howling Commandos know they have a standing invitation to his place in California and suggests that they all go there to celebrate after this is all over.  
“Will Rita Hayworth be there?” asks Morita hopefully  
“Also are you the reason she and Orson Welles split up?”   
“I can give her a call if you like and Fallsworth I’m surprised you read celebrity gossip. But trust me those two didn’t need any help.” Peggy rolls her eyes and Fallsworth looks embarrassed and mutters something about just really liking Orson Welles films   
“I think once we’ve liberated Europe from the Third Reich we should make sure to liberate Steve of his virginity” Barnes says elbowing his friend, some of the others laugh and Dugan asks why not just find him a hooker now  
“No Dugan, no hookers and Bucky I just learned this really interesting English gesture. Want to show it to you?” Steve responded while demonstrating this to Barnes with his middle and index fingers.   
“Hey General Carter don’t you have an offensive planned on that front?” Asks Howard causing Peggy to reach for her gun and everyone makes exaggerated shows of ducking for cover   
“Here, Howard take my shield!”   
“No no no, do not throw that thing in here!” They’re all laughing by now   
Later he gets Steve to himself and makes his offer again.  
“Please do come out and see me. Or not, if you don’t want to go to Beverly Hills I’ll take you and Peggy somewhere else…you both. Though I do think even you’d enjoy a little time relaxing by the pool”  
“That’s one hell of an offer and I don’t want to impose. But I will come out to your place after the war. I can’t speak for Peggy but I’ll be there, I promise. So you’re really not going to give me shit about being a virgin?”  
“My friend I have absolutely no right to judge anyone when it comes to their sex life. You just keep doing you…and I’ll keep doing everyone else. Anyway…its just…I want you both to be happy, and if there’s anything at all I can do…” It comes out awkwardly and Howard worries he sounds more sleazy than he intends to. But then Steve smiles in that way of his that lights up his whole face and Howard feels his chest tighten.   
“Thank you, you’re a real pal”   
This is the last conversation they ever have. On their next mission Barnes is killed in action and Steve withdraws into his sadness where only Peggy can reach him. Then Howard gets the call from her.   
“You could have telephoned me…I could have helped him figure out…”  
“Howard, I was going to but there wasn’t time.”   
“Is anyone mounting a rescue operation?”  
“They’re telling any allied ships in the area to look out for the wreckage but I just don’t see how there’s any hope. If he wasn’t killed on impact he must have drowned or frozen to death.” Even through the static he can hear her voice breaking.   
Later when Jarvis finds him he drags him to the kitchen and makes him drink a cup of tea before he’ll listen. Howard has to admit it helps a little. He tries to explain as calmly as he can but the tears start again midway through. Jarvis just gives him a handkerchief and very tentatively pats him on the shoulder.   
“Sir, I’m sorry to ask such a personal question but…did…did you love him?”  
“I…yes…god Jarvis…god damn it… I loved that man. I really did”

He wants desperately to go himself but he can’t. He and Peggy and the rest of the unit all have their duty to do. They can’t go after Steve even if they’d like to. He finally does get clearance, but only because they’ve picked up energy signatures matching that mysterious deadly glowing ice cube of undetermined origin the Red Skull had been using to power his devices. He finds the thing but there’s no sign of the Valkyrie. He keeps looking but he gets called back to London. It’s only a matter of time now and everyone is on edge. If he can’t make super soldiers they want him to do something about the troops they do have. He gives Midnight Oil his best shot but the trials are complete disasters. They have to restrain the subjects to prevent them killing each other. Thankfully it wears off but Howard recommends scrapping the whole project. He doesn’t have time to keep tinkering with a formula that keeps running into dead ends and he’s afraid that if he miscalculates it will just make it worse. He hopes that if he leaves this something will come up. But the higher ups don’t listen, instead they just call him a prima donna and claim that there’s no reason it shouldn’t work. Even though they don’t want to tell him about Finow he realizes the worst must have happened. He manages to get there himself despite the fact that he legally isn’t supposed to. What he sees is the stuff of nightmares, the fabric that visions of hell and the apocalypse are made of. And it’s all his fault. When he gets back to London he punches out the general responsible. The other guy makes mincemeat out of him but it was worth it. When Jarvis asks him what happened while patching his face back together he only says   
“That’s classified I’m afraid, “military intelligence” if that ain’t an oxymoron. But I’ll tell you this Jarvis, this war needs to end and soon.”


	5. Chasing Phantoms

But it doesn’t end there. After the war he does what he can to get everything out of his system and somewhere in that fog he was careless with a beautiful blonde and everything goes to hell. He calls on Peggy to help him but there’s only so much she and Jarvis can do and the guilt and horror of Finow comes back with vengeance. Bodies pile up and when he tries to do the right thing his intentions are twisted again.   
“I’m not a bad person.” He pleads with the doctor. But he’s not sure who he’s trying to convince of this, the Russian or himself   
“Yes you are” is the answer he gets   
He knows that there was nothing Steve could have done about any of this but he feels like somehow it was his death that caused everything to go to hell. But he’s been found and here’s Peggy with his shield telling him to go and bring him home. Peggy who was so mad at him earlier and if he can just do this he’ll make her happy, he’ll make her proud and he’ll have the three people who mean the most to him all together by his side.   
But Peggy doesn’t want him to go, she’s begging him to turn back. But he’s so close and if he does this maybe it will make up for some of the damage he’s caused. But she begs Howard to leave him, to give up that dream. They both loved him, but they have to let him go. He lets her bring him back to reality but it’s a reality he doesn’t want.   
“He was good before I got to him wasn’t he?”  
He doesn’t really give it up. There’s a drawer in his workshop that he keeps locked full of maps of the arctic circle, ocean charts and one of those silly Captain America comics that Steve never really liked but he holds on to it anyway. He will find him, even if it’s only to bring his body home. He keeps looking for any news, any rumors, anything odd in the region. 

Howard is not a man to be kept down for long. He goes straight, straighter at least. He cuts back on the alcohol and gets much more careful about the girls he sees, he probably won’t be able to stop another agent doing the same thing without resorting to complete celibacy but he can at least keep them as far away from his vault as possible. He stays away from men completely. He hears troubling things from the intelligence community, anxiety about communism is bleeding into other more longstanding worries and he’ll be damned if he’s going to lose his job over being called out as a homosexual, though he has serious doubts they could get anyone to believe that. 

One of the things that this whole affair has taught him is that the SSR is woefully underfunded, underequipped and generally not designed to deal with the world they live in today. There are other worlds out there and their detritus is coming to earth. There are people with powers beyond the realm of the believable. Legends have come true are becoming indistinguishable from science which is spiraling off in ever more bizarre directions. This is not the world of his parents time, it’s not even the world he grew up in. Someone needs to be ready for what’s coming. This is what he tells the government when they decide that he’s not a traitor after all and that they need him on their side. He meets with people in Washington, he’s not the only one whose been thinking about this. He talks to contacts back in England and finds that this isn’t specific to the United States. The rest of the allies have been worried about this kind of thing as everyone tries to rebuild Europe. They’ve coming across a lot of HYDRA leftovers and Leviathan has cropped up on other people’s radar. So congress gives him a mission; to found an international organization devoted to standing between the world and the much stranger world looking to engulf it.   
Naturally he asks Peggy to be in charge and she comes along with that guy with the limp she seems to be sweet on and her actress friend who knows a suspicious amount about the inner workings of organized crime and how to get a hold of a stolen car.   
They puzzle over a name for their fledgling organization, Howard wants to keeps the “strategic” part but he’s not sure if everything they do can be called “science”. Peggy wants to make it clear what they’re doing is related to security and on a more far reaching scale. One night she hits on it.   
“Shield. ”  
“Come again?”  
“What does a shield do? It protects people. That’s our job, that’s our number one priority here, not aggression, not even research really. We’re here to save lives…we’ll call it shield after the idea and…well after him.”   
“Damn. Now we know what we’re calling ourselves that’s half the battle”   
But this is wildly optimistic because of course the battle can never be quantified because it never ends. At least not for them. Supposedly this is turning over a new leaf, but he finds himself making weapons again. He swore he wouldn’t before but the army still insists they need him and his fellow members of SHIELD insist that he makes their tech because…well because he’s the best. Also no one completely trusts the ex HYDRA guys they’ve brought onboard. He is plagued by a nagging dread that this is the only thing he’s really good at. Other people’s innovations are starting to catch up so now its Howard’s job to build a bigger stick than the other guy. One of the biggest sticks is the H-Bomb. When its detonated people talk about how much it scares them. But for Howard there’s a part of him that thinks it’s beautiful, partially because it is so terrifying. 

After a couple only slightly insane years as director Peggy ties the knot with Daniel Sousa. Howard is pretty sure that the only reason he’s maid of honor instead of Angie is because Peggy thinks its funny to have a man in that role. She of course looks like a million bucks when she’s given away by a tearful Jarvis in lieu of her father. None of her family have come over from England, even though she offered to pay for the air fair. Peggy isn’t at all surprised that they just send a card. He remembers what she said when she was trying to bring him out of his hallucination about how he was the only person who believed in her. “We make our own family” Peggy had said cheerfully but as someone who knew her well he could see the regret in that statement. At the reception after everyone’s toasted the new couple, he Peggy and the members of the Howling Commandoes who made it take a drink in silence. He doesn’t want to think that it should have been Steve waiting at the alter for Peggy, or Barnes giving the best man speech instead of Jack Thomson…actually he does wish that were the case. Thomson’s was a little too bitter to be funny and it was pretty clear that he’d had a few. Howard had always thought he must have had a thing for Peggy. All the same he’s happy when Daniel asks him if he wants to take a turn dancing with her. When they’d first started going out he’d always been uncomfortable about how close she and Howard were. He kind of had to feel for the poor guy, first worried about moving in after Captain America now fearing that his competition was a billionaire genius whose main hobby was bedding movie stars. But now he was giving him a look that to Howard seemed a universal signal for ‘we’re good here’. Peggy had noticed this too  
“Well you and Daniel seem have buried the hatchet for good. I for one am very happy about this.”  
“I’m surprised he was ever insecure about us really. I know I’m a pretty formidable romantic rival but has your man looked at himself in the mirror? Seriously if you ever want to know what to get me for my birthday a ménage-a-trois would be greatly appreciated” Peggy laughs but it doesn’t seem to take much effort, for all her talk about how a wedding is just something you get through to get to the beginning of your life with someone, today she’s truly happy.   
“I’m trying to think of a new word that is ten times stronger than “No” but I’ll just settle for ‘you can’t have him he’s mine’.” She looks around at the gathering “So no chance of you doing this anytime in the future?”  
“I don’t think so, marriage isn’t really for me I’m afraid”


	6. Everything You Need For The Future

Howard doesn’t know how to explain it but as the years go on he gets the nagging feeling that SHIELD isn’t as effective as it should be.   
“That’s because you don’t think anyone is competent compared to you” Peggy grimaces rubbing a hand on her sore lower back. It’s late and she only has a couple weeks until her baby is due and he loses her temporarily to maternity leave.   
“That’s the thing though. Everyone’s competent, we don’t keep people if they’re not. Its little things that keep happening. Files that go missing, basic missions ending in failure when they shouldn’t, reports that don’t match up. One thing that bothers me is the way people citing equipment failures that turn out to completely non existent when I check their gear over later.”   
“Well we can never rule out the possibility we have a mole. Again I don’t think it was a good idea to bring some of these Germans on board”  
“Hey watch it my family’s German, besides Zola’s Swiss.”  
“Sorry, you know what I mean”  
“Yeah I do. I don’t trust them either but they do good work, and as I said before Zola might actually be better than me so we want him on our side” They’ve had this discussion before  
“As for the tech even people who are trained to use this stuff aren’t going to get it the work the way you do. You don’t just work with machines, you talk to them, understand them. Your inventions, they’re like your children. Speaking of which I hope we didn’t hurt your feelings, not asking you to be godfather…its just…”   
“You wouldn’t trust me with a kid unsupervised for ten seconds. I completely understand” 

Shortly after Peggy’s first child is born Howard’s father passes away. He goes back home for the first time in years, to help with funeral arrangements. He’d offered to find his parents a nicer place to live but they’d always insisted that this was their home and his younger sister had moved in to look after them. His father’s death had been sudden if not unexpected. When he’s accepting condolences one of their neighbors comes up to him.   
“You know your old man, he used to brag about you time, how his son was this genius inventor” This takes him completely by surprise. His father had never shown any interest in his work. Once he’d gotten famous his parents had told him they was glad after all that he was using a fake name. That they wouldn’t be able to cope with the shame if people knew that their son behaved so badly and did such terrible things with women, then got it plastered all over the tabloids for everyone to read.   
He wonders what else he doesn’t know about the man, what else he’ll never know. 

During the sixties he withdraws somewhat from SHEILD. He focuses on ideas he had before the war but now he just sees potential weapons. He finally gets his flying car to work, only to crash it on the first test drive. It works but he’s not sure if this is something he wants on the market or even in the espionage world, he doesn’t want anyone repurposing the repulsors and he hasn’t found an efficient energy source for it. So he sells the beat up car to a really nice man he meets in a bar one night while they half watch a football game and talk about automobile repair. He’s a high school history teacher and football coach with a passion for all things related to Captain America. He shows Howard pictures of his wife and young son and tells him how he’s out visiting his brother.   
“Don’t let anyone touch her.” Howard warns when he hands over the keys.   
Once he sobers up he wonders if this wasn’t an even worse idea than developing the car for SHEILD or the military.   
He focuses more and more on the blue cube he’d found in the arctic. This is part of his justification for his continuing attempts to find the Valkyrie. Peggy naturally understands his other motivation.   
“I’m worried about you.” She tells him when he gets back from chasing a lead off the coast of Newfoundland   
“There’s nothing to worry about. Ok, yes I’d like closure but mainly I want to understand that device. It could be the solution to all our energy needs, solve the pollution problem once and for all…”  
“Howard, I told you twenty years ago that you had to let him go. When are you going to listen to me?”  
“And what about you? Have you been able to take your own advice?” She looks away a little   
“I’m married, I have a family”  
“That didn’t answer the question” She shook her head  
“I’m not saying you have to forget him but…it would be one thing if you two had been lovers or lifetime friends but you didn’t even know him that well…neither of us did…sometimes…sometimes I pull out that old photograph because I can’t remember what he looked like. I could give you a description but his features, they’re a blur” Her voice cracks a little   
“I think…I think it’s just the fact that…I never had a chance with Steve” Howard admits “I can’t spend more than a short amount of time with people without them coming around to hating me. You’re my oldest friend and you’ve hit me twice and pushed me in a river. I never got a chance to fuck things up with Steve, I suppose that’s the reason my version of my time with him is so… idealized”  
“I understand that but…I still think you need to get over it. He’s dead; let him be. Also just, look I’m not saying you should do what I’ve done; husband … house with a whopping great mortgage, picket fence, two children…But I think you should really just see what its like to have a real relationship. Promise me if you find a nice girl…nice person you’ll at least try?”   
“Yeah Peggy, I’ll…I’ll try” He doesn’t ask her about her own marriage, he’s known for a while that they were on the rocks but he figured that if she wanted to confide in him she’d have done so by now.   
“And Howard, I don’t hate you. Even when I’m angry with you I’ve never hated you and I never will. If you spend enough time with someone you’re going to fight with them that’s normal and it’s healthy” 

In many ways he doesn’t understand the current trends in youth culture; the laziness the entitlement and their tenancy to talk about free love like they invented it all annoy him. But he does take an interest in mind-altering substances. Marijuana is fine, he prefers to stick to booze but finds LSD to be the most interesting. Especially when he’s taking it in the proximity of the glowing cube. Sometimes the things he sees help him with work. Sometimes he gets visions he doesn’t understand; thunder and lighting and huge blue figures, a tree that holds the universe with neurons firing, tentacles encircling the world, a city where the buildings move in orbit, and a very familiar pair of blue eyes flick open. Circles keep showing up and mutating, a snake swallowing its tail turned into a shield that becomes a ring of light and then a hole in space. Sometimes the things he sees mean nothing, like when Jarvis has to convince him that he’s not on the ceiling or when he feels his clothes are preventing him from being truly connected to the rest of the universe and he walks into a cocktail party completely naked. Sometimes he sees his fantasies where he creates something so powerful that it makes war obsolete or he sees Peggy and Steve out on the deck beckoning him to join them. But sometimes he’s back at Finow or after the bombs have been detonated he’s standing among the wreckage of the world. One time he sees himself finding Steve in the ice only for the other man to drag him down into the freezing water. After that one he stops all together and makes another doomed resolution to cut back on his drinking.   
He scales back weapons development. He’s glad he doesn’t have to be too involved with Vietnam. He believes in the war but there is so much more room for doubt than there used to be. It makes things strained between him and Peggy. She and Daniel may be going through a rough patch but they are both strongly opposed. He knows that they’re both worried about their son who is going to be eligible for the draft soon. One night they fight about it and Daniel yells at him that he doesn’t understand because he didn’t serve.


	7. Just A Shot Away

Its important to Howard that he remembers the night when his son was conceived; a hot dusty Malibu evening where the summer was imperceptibly fading into fall and the wind was blowing the palm trees outside. He’d done this thing countless times before, this unthinking biological function, without really considering the implications. It was an act of desperation committed on the living room floor with his current girlfriend Maria Carbonell. His second attempt at that “real relationship” he had promised Peggy and he wasn’t doing too badly. He liked Maria; a short delicate woman with big brown eyes and a warm smile. She was sweet girl and smart as hell too but sad and deeply insecure. He has to admit that he’s not sure why a woman with much sense of self worth would want to get involved with him. It didn’t used to be quite like this, they used to be more spirited, more fun. He likes Maria a lot but he never thought marriage was in the cards until several weeks later when he gets back to California from a business trip and she tells him that she’s late.  
“Are you sure? I mean have you been to the doctor it might be…”  
“I did go to the doctor…I’m…I’m pregnant.” There is a very long silence as he tries to gage her expression, he has the horrifying feeling that she expected him to be pleased about this development  
“So…you are going to get rid of it aren’t you?” This is most definitely the wrong thing to say as Maria breaks down in tears and storms out. He goes after her and offers to do the honorable thing. A month later they get married. Of course Peggy and Jarvis know why and he can tell they’re both thinking that this had to happen eventually. Jarvis through his tone and Peggy through shrugging and telling him that karma’s finally caught up to him. He tries to take it in stride but something about the way Maria talks to people like this is something to be happy about, like they’re this nice normal couple is what drives him over the edge.  
“Jarvis what the hell am I going to do? I can’t be a father. I can’t take care of a goldfish, scratch that a cactus…I am a cactus murderer… how am I going to deal with a tiny human? They’re so fucking fragile… and there’s a billion different ways to can screw them up.” He is very drunk and he can’t bear this party anymore. He seems to remember that when he was younger these things were fun.  
“I don’t know sir. Children terrify me…that’s why Anna and I, we never…” Five years ago he had lost his wife to brain cancer. Howard had never asked about their lack of children, figuring it was none of his business. He pulled Jarvis into a hug.  
“You really don’t need to do that every time I mention Anna”  
“I know, I just figure it doesn’t hurt”  
“No it doesn’t. I’m sorry, I have nothing to tell you other than that I hope Mrs. Stark will be more enthusiastic.” 

But she isn’t, in fact once the baby is born she changes. She withdraws from her friends and from him, she eats less, goes out less, cries more and starts drinking more. She spends as little time as possible with their son, who thankfully has a nanny to look after him.  
Maria starts seeing a psychiatrist and starts going on a lot of retreats up in the Bay area. He lets her come and go but one of the rare times she’s home he tries to get her to take the baby. She finally breaks down tells him she doesn’t love her son  
“What’s wrong with me? I like children, I wanted this baby, I was so excited for this but then something happened to me. I’m repulsed by him, I hate the sound of his crying, when I’m near him I feel…I feel like I’m trapped, like I’m not free. Ever since he was born its like… like I’ll never be happy again. Am I some kind of monster?” He pulls his wife close and kisses her  
“Trust me Maria, I know a lot about monsters, I’ve seen more of them than I’d like. You, you’re no monster. You are a sweet caring woman whose having some issues right now, and I know it’ll get better.” He doesn’t know that this is true but Maria smiles at him for the first time in a long time. They stay like that for a while, husband and wife bonding over their unwanted child. Maria is turning twenty-four soon. She should be working a boring job and living with other girls with whom she’d have long conversations about what she wanted to do with her life. She should be going out drinking on the weekends and coming back to a crumby apartment where she’d bring boys until she found a nice guy to go steady with. Now here she was, married to an old man, tied down with an infant, lost as to who she was and what she wanted to be. He should want her to love the child, to reprimand him for his callousness, but he isn’t a good enough person for that.  
He’s just glad that he isn’t alone in his feeling. Howard doesn’t know what do to with the kid either. He doesn’t really feel anything for the child and wonders what that says about him. He knows his parents probably didn’t want him, for them and much of their generation children weren’t really a matter of choice. They just kind of happened but he had always felt that they cared about him on some level. When he goes back to D.C. for work he puts on the usual show, passes around pictures, tells people he’s happy, takes people’s jokes about how late he’s left this. Of course Peggy isn’t fooled and so he tells her the truth.  
“When your kids were born, did you love them, right off the bat I mean? I don’t…I don’t feel the way I think I’m supposed to feel about my son. Did you…was that the happiest moment of your life, becoming a mother? I mean just think they were the cutest things? Or…” He repeats what other people say, what he wonders if they actually feel, there’s a hint of desperation as he finishes. Of course Peggy did, Peggy doesn’t have to play at being a decent person the way he does. But she already knows how he feels about this, to some extent so she thinks about that question  
“I wouldn’t say I didn’t love them but…when they were first born I just thought ‘Well that was an ordeal. You just destroyed my genitals, I was using those.’ Then with babies…they did feel like a chore, it’s a lot of work. But when they got a little older, started to be able to interact with us…with my firstborn it just hit me; I created a person. A person with their own hopes and dreams and fears and flaws. Someone who’d probably be similar to me in some ways but…completely different… It just… I don’t quite know how to describe what that feels like but its amazing and completely terrifying. I think that will happen to you one day if you let it…are you even trying with him?”  
“Yes I am!” This was mostly a lie, not completely since it wasn’t like he never saw the kid but he did have a company to run, a government agency to consult for and both of these things amounted to people depending on him to spend long stretches of time in his basement and come out having broken the laws of natural science somehow. He doesn’t think to combine these things until one night an exhausted Jarvis comes down to his workshop and deposits his bawling son in front of him.  
“Sir I know you didn’t want this job, but you created this screaming bundle of bodily fluids please do something about him.” So he picks up Tony who stops crying long enough to fix him with a very suspicious look then start again with renewed force “Christ kid, give me a chance here.” He starts to rock him softly which is supposed to help but he imagined would just make someone feel really insecure “Its ok, Tony your dad’s here and he’s got you…whatever it is that’s bothering you, I’m sure its not that bad”  
“I have tried reasoning with him sir, it doesn’t seem to work. Like father, like son I suppose”  
“You are ruining my credibility with the little guy”  
“Of course, he was so confident in you before” The baby hasn’t stopped crying. His attempt at shrugging this off, at finding humor in this massive mistake is wearing thin  
“Jarvis am I doing this right? What if I’m hurting him?”  
“He’s an infant. They cry. He’ll probably keep crying for a while. Goodnight” he leaves the two Starks to their own devices and goes off to bed. Tony does eventually go to sleep in the crook of his arm and Howard spends the rest of the night trying to draw one handed. 

He gets a call one evening from Peggy. It’s fairly early where he is but it must be very late on the East Coast.  
She sounds drunk.  
Her son is enlisting, he’ll be headed off to Vietnam soon.  
“I called initially because I wanted to ask you to use your pull to get him a desk job…” She trails off  
“What does he think of that idea?”  
“He told me not to do it.”  
“Then I won’t, I’m sorry. That’s very brave of him. You should be proud, I know you must be worried…” Howard is sure he’s saying the wrong thing but he has no idea what the right thing is, and he does admire the boy  
“Go fuck yourself!” She screams at him from the other side of the continent “Fuck your military industrial complex, fuck the domino theory, fuck you and greedy war profiteers like you, fuck Johnson who I fucking voted for, fuck Nixon who I sure as hell didn’t, fuck this rotten, stinking, shitting country!” There is a silence and then he hears her sob. He knows she’s upset but as his oldest closest friend she knows just how to hurt him and so he yells back instead of comforting her  
“For a start the domino theory is very real. Do you want communism to just keep spreading? We might not be in this mess if we’d fought the Russians after the end of the war, we gave them more than we should have. We didn’t stick it out in Korea either…”  
“We were tired Howard, we were all tired… on an international scale. Besides you’re in no position to talk about the Russians, I am still convinced that your partner is spying for them. I warned you about that but you still refused to listen to me. Anyway…so where does that end? You and I know what war is like, we know what it does to men, to civilians unlucky enough to get in its way, to widows and families back home. You better have a fucking good reason if you want to justify it. I know you love capitalism very much but there are very few principles in this world I’d trade my son’s life for and that bloody economic system isn’t one of them at the moment.”  
“For a start I don’t love capitalism, I just…what did Churchill say about democracy? It’s a terrible system of government, its just every other one’s been tried. He may be right but I do firmly believe in them both. I suppose you’re right about Russia but don’t pretend you’re not a Cold Warrior just like me. And we’ve been over this before, I trust Vanko. He defected taking a lot of valuable research with him.” There’s another long pause before Peggy speaks again. She still sounds bitter but all the fight’s gone out of her now.  
“You’d think…you’d think after listening to me, after everything that happened to his father… he’d know what really comes of heroics…I just…I hate it so much…the way good men and their sacrifices are tarted up and made into propaganda”  
He should say that he knows her son will be ok but they both know he can’t guarantee it. So he offers to maybe find a way to keep him stateside, or in a division that won’t see much action. Peggy just says “all right” in a flat defeated voice  
“Its probably because of you and Daniel, his parents are both war heroes, he wants to follow in that tradition. Anyway I have to go, my son is indulging in his favorite hobby, putting dangerous objects in his mouth.”  
“Yes you do that” the fire is back in Peggy’s voice “And you think about how sure you’d be about all of this if it were your child telling you they wanted to go get blown to pieces in a jungle somewhere…oh wait you don’t give a shit do you?” Another silence descends, deeper and more painful than before.  
“That’s a low blow and you know it” Howard says very softly before hanging up. He gathers up his son and manages to pry one of his tools away from the boy. He places him in his crib and watches as he dozes off. Tony will probably have his own wars to fight when he grows up and like his father and godmother he’ll drag his own ghosts around one day, but for now he gets to be oblivious.  
It doesn’t seem fair that no one wants this kid. Howard doesn’t really find babies cute but if he did this one would definitely qualify. He realizes that he’s become fond of the little boy, that even though having him had definitely been a mistake he wouldn’t go back and change it the way he would his other failures. Maybe that was enough, at any rate it was something.


	8. Almosts

He and Peggy don’t really talk to each other for a few mouths after the disastrous phone conversation. When he goes back east for work they are curtly polite to one another and keep their conversation to work only. The only one blunt enough to mention this is a new agent fresh out of the army.  
“So you and Carter get in some kind of fight? And if so is it about something that we’re all going to be payin’ for later down the road?”  
“Its kinda personal, Fury. As in not really your business”  
“I thought being up in other people’s business was our business” He wasn’t sure if Nick Fury was going to be the greatest spy ever or a menace to society.  
“I guarantee you it has nothing to do with this organization and everything to do with American foreign policy, me being an ass who won’t apologize and Director Carter attacking people when she’s upset” The other man raised an eyebrow at him  
“As in physically attacking?”  
“Yeah…to be honest she's got kind of a problem with that. She once shot at...at...a mutual friend of ours at point blank range over a misunderstanding. Though she hasn't done that to me yet which is why I'm standing here”  
“I hope you guys work it out, but until then I enjoy the ongoing dysfunction that is 1940’s Team America”  
“Is that our nickname or something?” Howard calls after his retreating back “What exactly do you mean ongoing dysfunction? Do you have some kind of secret, what do you know about me Fury?” He turns around and smirks  
“Hey man, my secrets have secrets” Then he gives Howard a very informal mocking salute and heads off. 

Eventually he gets another phone call from Peggy. She asks him how he’s been but he knows she’s got something to say and doesn’t want to lead with it. But he plays along.  
“I’m good, I actually tried to read one of the parenting books Jarvis keeps oh so subtly leaving on my bedside table. You’d think it was him I knocked up and not Maria the way he gets on my case sometimes. I wound up throwing at the wall though so maybe it doesn’t count. How’s Daniel?”  
“That’s the thing…we’re…we’re getting divorced. I just thought I’d let you know.”  
“Jesus Pegs, I’m so sorry. Do you want me to come over?”  
“I…I am perfectly capable of managing by myself…we’re all adults after all.” For her this is depressingly half hearted  
“Of course you’re perfectly capable but that doesn’t mean you have to go through this alone”  
“You’ve got work…” She offered up a little lamely  
“Since you didn’t say ‘I don’t want to see you’ I’m going to pack a suitcase and get the jet ready” She continues not saying no and that evening he meets her in the capital.  
They go to a bar and drink silently together before leaving to walk around the monuments. They stare up at the Lincoln Memorial and Howard asks Peggy if she misses England.  
“Yes, sometimes. You go to another country and you tell yourself ‘This way I can have the best of both, leave what I don’t like back there and take what I want with me.’ But it doesn’t always work like that, it gets pretty wearing being the eternal foreigner…my children are both so completely American. Sometimes you just feel like two different people; your American self and your English one and they’re both you but neither are completely you. Then sometimes you just feel adrift. But I think you have to really hate your home not to be homesick. But now you mention it, it’s a long time since I’ve been back”  
“We could go tonight if you wanted, I’ve got the jet”  
“I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but I’ve got a job and its not like it’s a quick trip”  
“When was the last time you took a vacation?”  
“You make a fair point there. Meet me tomorrow after work I can probably get a week at most”  
“You’re the director I thought you called the shots?”  
“Tomorrow at seven”  
They go the whole flight without talking about Daniel or their sons or that phone conversation. Instead they chat, they read, Howard flirts with the stewardess and Peggy gives him shit for it. Its funny he’s never thought of Peggy as cold but now he realizes how tightly wound she is. He is her oldest probably her best friend and she still doesn’t want to relinquish this control she has, this sense that she isn’t falling apart by letting him know how she’s feeling. Of course in a way she isn’t, Peggy is one of those people who’s at their most calm when the bullets are flying, at their best when everyone else is breaking down around them. But it’s the calm that gets to her, it’s the silence that has her on edge. Maybe that was what happened with Daniel, the peace wore her down. When they get there they’ve booked separate rooms, but they stay in his with a bottle of Scotch and then decide to sleep even though it won’t help their jet lag. Here, in this familiar city, they both climb into the same bed. A ghost lies down between them, slipping between the sheets. Since its Steve his is a pleasant ghost, an unobtrusive one. Most of the time they don’t notice him, or Howard doesn’t. He doesn’t know if Peggy feels haunted either but he does know that there are times when they’re both thinking about him. It would be a conventional triangle, if it were two men who loved the same woman but theirs was tilted a little.  
When Peggy finally speaks she sounds very fragile. He can’t tell if she’s crying or not in the dark but part of the rule of sharing a bed like this is that they don’t turn to look at each other.  
“Howard…I’m so sorry, I…I know you feel guilty about Tony, about what you do for a living. I don’t really think you’re a snake…”  
“This is the second time you’ve called me that.”  
“When did I do it before?”  
“Remember when you gave me that dressing down about how I was a narcissist always out for my own advantage? That was after you hit me”  
“That was about thirty years ago. God I’d forgotten. Why is it that the war seems like it was yesterday but everything else blurs together. Thirty years wasn’t hard to think about when I was thirty but now it seems like a huge amount of time. When did we get old exactly?”  
“I think it was when you asked that question.” She snorts  
“Oh it was before that. Look we’re…I really do want to apologize for what I said. Then…well you deserved it for lying to me, well you didn’t deserve to get punched that hard. I wouldn’t be friends with someone who hit me, even if I was being positively horrid. But I know you…that’s the thing. I know you think people only like the person you pretend to be but I know what’s underneath that charming mask and I like it better.”  
“I feel like my face used the be a lot more palatable. Its like I can’t take the mask off anymore, I think I’ve been wearing it for two long. Besides I’d only make a new one” Only when he says it does he realize how much its been bothering him the past couple of years, why it feels so unpleasant to admit he doesn’t find parties enjoyable anymore, why he says things like “Believe me, I’ll be more fun after a few martinis”.  
“I know you feel conflicted about what you do and you should be, so should we all…but I wouldn’t work with you if I didn’t think your efforts went toward the greater good” Peggy says after a long pause  
“You don’t have to pretend to think that, at best people like me are a necessary evil. At least that’s what I like to tell myself.”  
“I don’t think you’re a bad person. I don’t know whether either of us is a good one but I don’t think you’re a bad one.”  
There is a long silence and he begins to feel himself drifting towards sleep when she speaks again  
“Tell me if things had been different we’d still be having this conversation”  
“Different how?”  
“You know how. Tell me I’m remembering him wrong. Tell me he was queer and I’d have caught him with you or Barnes. Tell me the war would have made him a different person if he’d come out the other end of it. Tell we’d fight about religion or politics or how to raise the children. Tell me that under that façade of respect there was a man like every other man who just wanted me to be a good girl and stay in the kitchen out of harms way. Tell me if he’d lived I’d still be here in London in bed with you having this conversation”  
Howard wants to say “No” but he can’t bring himself too, he can’t say yes either. He used to think that Peggy was right that he needed to move on. Of course he didn’t because letting go of things wasn’t something that came to him naturally. Once he fixed on something he had to see it through, once he got stuck in a rut there was no getting out. But now he realized that in a way she hadn’t. They were both yearning for when the fight seemed like something they could win, or at least something that would end. They both missed Steve, only for Peggy it was the “almost” that did it for her, the wondering what could have been. Because for her it could have been real and happy, for Howard it was the tragic fantasy he loved, reality and him had always had their disagreements and as for happiness...well he wasn't sure what that looked like anymore. 

He and Peggy go back to the states, he moves Jarvis and Tony to the East Coast, nominally for work but really so he can be there if she needs him. She gets her divorce, her daughter goes off to college and when the war is over her son comes home, shell shocked and worse for wear but mercifully in one piece.


	9. Cut Off One Head...

Part 9  
Cut Off One Head… 

When he does find out its purely by accident. After years of questions, of suspicion, of feeling like something was deeply wrong it’s a dropped piece of paper with a cipher on it that gives the whole thing away. It was dropped by Agent Carson, and Howard would have said something when he picked it up, but it wasn’t a SHEILD cipher. Once he’d cracked it, it revealed the time and location of a meeting at an agent’s house. He opted not to tell Peggy, not until he knew more, and instead had the place bugged. He took the tapes back home to New York with him, hoping this is all a misunderstanding. In his study he listened to the goings on of what seemed like the average family of a government employee, until the meeting commences and Howard feels like every fluid in his body has been replaced with ice water. It was just two words, words he never thought he’d hear again, uttered by at least fifteen members of SHEILD in a private home in the nation’s capital;

Hail Hydra

He sits paralyzed as they continue to talk on the tape, for how long he’s not quite sure. But when he comes back to himself he pauses it and gets up with a strange calm. He takes the decanter and a glass from the side board, but reconsiders, instead going to the liquor cabinet and getting himself a bottle of Jack Daniels. He rewinds the tape and starts drinking, not even bothering to pour the whiskey into a glass. The meeting lasted for about two hours and over the course of that time he sits and listens to the whole thing; finishing the bottle as the extent of what he’s discovered becomes appallingly clear. When he gets up he stumbles, but then he starts running. He calls out Jarvis’s name first and once he gets a confused reply he dashes upstairs, falling twice until he gets to his son’s room. It’s the middle of the night and when he wrenches open the door the boy is standing there blinking in confusion. Howard gets down on his knees and pulls him into a very tight hug.  
“Daddy have you been drinking again?” On another day he’d be a little worried about the fact that Tony seemed to have such an accurate grasp of the situation, or the fact that he said “again” like this was just a normal thing for him, which is was, though being hugged was most certainly not.  
“Daddy drinks because the world is full of terrible people” ‘And I’m scared I can’t protect you from them’ he thinks but doesn’t say. He holds onto his son for another minute or so then lets him go and tells him to go back to sleep. He stumbles out of the room and down the stairs. Jarvis is yelling at him, demanding to know what is going on, but he’s all right and he’s here. Once he gets to his study he finds his phone and on the notepad next to it is the number Maria left. He dials it and a man answers, demanding to know why he’s calling at this hour. He shuts up pretty quickly when he says he’s Maria Stark’s husband and puts her on the line.  
“Howard? What’s going on? Do you have any idea what time it is?”  
“I know, I’m sorry. I just needed to know you’re safe.”  
“Of course I’m safe…what’s going on? Are you drunk?”  
“That’s not important. Have you had any accidents, has anyone been following you? Are the people around you trustworthy?”  
“Of course not! And of course he is…I mean they are. What’s gotten into you? Have you been getting threats?”  
“Nothing like that, just…be careful, ok honey?”  
“Sure Howard, I’ll be careful. Now tell me what…” He hangs up the phone.  
He looks around the room knowing he should do something. But his thoughts are racing and the only things that keep coming back are too painful to process right now. He can’t stand this, he can’t stand to feel like this for another minute. So he picks up the lamp on the desk table and throws it against the wall and the violence of the crash is oddly soothing. So he picks up the empty bottle and throws that too, then the decanter and a couple of the glasses. As he begins to rip his study apart he can hear Jarvis somewhere in the background but the words seem muffled to him, drowned out by the roaring in his ears. He overturns a side table then, as he smashes a vase on the floor, something gets through to him;  
“Sir! Sir! MR. STARK...HOWARD!”  
He’s known Jarvis for thirty years now and never once has he ever called him by his first name. He stops and sees the destruction all around him but can’t help but feel it must have been the work of someone else. When he looks up he sees Jarvis, staring him down, steadfast, determined, but scared. Then he locks eyes with his son who must have come down the stairs when he heard the noise, and who looks back at him, terrified and uncomprehending. He’s bright for a boy of his age, precocious to the point of genius. When it comes to anything mechanical he can figure things out that baffle grown men. Sometimes it makes it hard to remember just how young he is. But despite his gifts in many ways he’s like any other little boy, and now here he is, confronted by his father’s breakdown and the frightening world of adult emotion. Howard opens his mouth. He wants to say something comforting but nothing comes out, the only words he wants to come out right now are just the opposite but he keeps them in. Jarvis as usual can see this and he turns around  
“Tony; go to bed now. Try and get some sleep. I promise I’ll explain all of this in the morning” Tony looks like he’s about to protest but then he looks back at his father and in a rare moment of unquestioning obedience runs upstairs. When he hears the door close Jarvis turns around and draws himself up to his full height.  
“I’m going to make us both tea. Meet me in the kitchen once you’ve got yourself under control and we will talk.” Suddenly he’s taken back to that night all those years ago during the war and it all comes flowing out, in a tone that is pleading, sobbing and yelling all at once;  
“I screwed it all up… its all come crashing down around me…they won…they won…all these years we thought, but no we didn’t win they did…everything we worked for…I just wanted to fix things…I just wanted to make it all better…to make up for all the damage I’d done…I used…I used to just be in it for myself, I just wanted money, fame, women…I just wanted to do what I loved. Is that so damn wrong? I just wanted…I just wanted to make things…I was so tired of causing destruction everywhere I went, I jut wanted to make up for all the blood on my hands but now everything is a hundred times worse…and I can’t… I used to think there was an answer for everything, that I just had to sleep on it or outthink it or wait for answers to come…I thought that if I worked hard enough…I thought that I was smart enough…but I can’t fix this…no one can fix this…well maybe he could but he’s dead and maybe I’m just kidding myself…I failed Jarvis, I failed everyone, I failed him…everyone’s sacrifices…his sacrifice…all of it for nothing…” He peters out and looks to Jarvis to say something. But he doesn’t, instead Jarvis comes up to him. He pulls out his handkerchief and puts it in his employer’s hand and Howard obediently wipes his eyes then blows his nose. Once he’s done the valet puts his hands on both his shoulders and looks him in the eye.  
“You will solve this, whatever it is. I have complete faith in you. Now I’m going to go and put the kettle on”  
He doesn’t know how long he stands there but even with his tolerance for alcohol the whiskey has gotten to him and he has to go to the bathroom to throw up. By the time he enters the kitchen he’s made up his mind, he can’t tell anyone what he’s found out; not his wife, not his butler, not his son, not his best friend. Whatever he does next he must do it alone. Their tea is ready and Jarvis has laid out a plate with some biscuits and raspberry truffles, which makes him want to start crying again for totally different reasons.  
“Thank you Jar…Edwin” his valet flinches a little at the first name, as if it were an insult “I…I know I’ve said this before but I can never say it enough, I don’t know what I’d do without you…but…well I might have to. Of course I would make sure you were…”  
“Don’t” Jarvis cuts him off firmly but not angrily “I don’t know what is going on and I don’t care, there’s nothing you can say to make me leave not even ‘you’re fired’ because…because I’ve tended to your needs for thirty years, I’m basically raising your son, I still owe you for what you did during the war…”  
“Don’t be ridiculous, you don’t owe me a thing. You never did. Jarvis please, the last thing I want is for us to part ways, but…I can’t have anything happen to you because you’re too close to me”  
“That’s not how I see it, but you are the closest thing I have to family now. My parents disowned me and now they’re gone, my wife is dead and I have no children of my own. So you and your son…you are all I have. I understand you want to protect me but I can take care of myself and I’ve made my choice” Howard knows he should say something, knows that technically Jarvis isn’t right about that whole “you can’t fire me” thing but he’s also selfish enough that he doesn’t want Jarvis to leave, especially not now, when he doesn’t know if he can trust anyone  
“Thank you” is all he says  
“Sir, am I to understand that SHEILD has been compromised?”  
“Yes”  
“How badly? I must admit to not being especially well versed in espionage but…do you just have a mole or…”  
“Its…its bad…its very, very bad…I really, I can’t tell you any more than that” Jarvis nods. He doesn’t usually ask either him or Peggy about their work at SHEILD, he does get curious about Howard’s gadgets sometimes but discretion is always central to his view of their roles in that organization. 

Howard wakes up the next morning and drags himself out of bed. He finds the flask stashed in the pockets of one of his jackets and takes a couple swigs, he’s not getting drunk, he just needs a little hair of the dog, and some help getting through his morning routine. Underneath the crushing sense of failure and betrayal there is a kind of clarity. ‘I know what’s wrong now. I know what I have to do even though I don’t know how. I know what I’m fighting against’  
He gets ready to face the day and the world as he now understands it. He gets ready for a very long war.


	10. My Greatest Creation

To anyone observing Howard, it would appear very little had changed. If they looked closely they might see him becoming more wary, more withdrawn; still a showman, still charismatic but now with a harder kind of edge and more effort going into the performance. But even those who notice, they just say that he’s getting old.  
A couple weeks after his discovery, he talks to Jarvis about sending his son to boarding school.  
“I thought you had planned on having him go later, when he’s ready for high school”  
“Well I’ve changed my mind.” Howard replies, granted this had been what he’d wanted to begin with, but Jarvis had argued in favor of keeping Tony at home until he got older “Besides you were just telling me the other day that he says he’s always getting bored in his classes. I mean I don’t blame him, school’s boring, but I think the more rigorous environment would help...and he might even find some kids with common interests. Actually make some friends, you said he’s been having issues with that too” Jarvis looks very skeptical  
“I don’t think a child who has yet to enter primary school but who’s idea of fun is building artificial intelligence systems will find many of his peers share common interests”  
“Well he has to learn sometime. I didn’t have this problem when I was his age, where I was growing up if you couldn’t make nice with the other kids you got the shit kicked out of you.” Jarvis sighs and the next thing he says sounds like he’s trying to patiently explain something that should be obvious.  
“Tony isn’t you, he doesn’t have your charm”  
“What five year old boy has anything resembling charm?” Countered Howard and Jarvis nodded as if to say ‘I can’t argue with you on that one’  
“I don’t know what you were like at that age but he’s not easy with people like you are, he has trouble picking up basic social cues and he’s figured out how much smarter he is than all the other children, and some of his teachers. I can’t imagine that’s made him very popular. He’s…well most of the time he’s an absolute nightmare but he can be such an affectionate child” His voice waivers here and Howard understands the feeling. Part of what makes Tony so annoying is also a large part of what makes him endearing; that being his constant need for attention and approval. For Howard his son’s admiration makes him deeply uncomfortable. Jarvis on the other hand is frequently touched and surprised by it, probably because Jarvis has the common sense and healthy mind to realize that he’s a good person who deserves it.  
“…and he’s fragile in a way that you probably weren’t.”  
“Yeah I know, he’s a sweet kid, but of course he’s fragile, he’s a hothouse plant. Everything comes easy for him and he’s got no idea how normal people live. He’s never had to struggle, he doesn’t know what its like to fight for anything.”  
“I think you’re being unduly harsh. And if he maybe a bit spoiled who’s fault is that then?” Asks his valet.  
Howard shrugs in response “You’re probably right on that one. Of course I wouldn’t change it, that’s my gift to him. Money can’t buy happiness but it can take care of a lot of things that make a person unhappy. Anyway, I’m going to submit his applications for fall.”  
“I just don’t know, I…I don’t think he’ll be happy there.” He knows Jarvis went to boarding school, or “public school” as he calls it, and that he didn’t have a terribly good experience. In many ways Jarvis had more marks of breeding and status than his employer. Now he turns to a last resort to persuade Howard not to do what he’s set his mind to do “What does Mrs. Stark say?”  
“She thinks it’s a great idea and so do I. Thank you for your input but I think that’s what’s best for him and at the end of the day I’m his father.”  
When Jarvis answers he can tell his tone is very carefully controlled even if his words are not  
“I understand that, what kind of a father you are is another matter. And of course Mrs. Stark thinks it’s a good idea, that way she’s got a perfectly acceptable reason for never seeing her son so she doesn’t have to feel guilty. Not that I imagine it keeps her up at night now…”  
“That’s not fair” Howard interjected, he’d always known Jarvis didn’t have the best opinion of Maria, but since he’d stopped seeing Tony as a nuisance and started to care about the boy he’d become a lot worse at hiding that view.  
“Fine, I’ll leave your wife out of this. I have just one question for you, do you actually believe that sending him away is what’s best for your son? Or are you just doing this because you’re a rich man now and that’s what rich men do?”  
“What do you mean ‘now’? In case you haven’t noticed I’ve been rich for quiet some time.”  
“Yes but you weren’t born to it” Jarvis snaps and Howard feels like he’d been hit in the face  
“Jesus Christ, I never thought I’d be hearing this from you” Jarvis looked like he was about to retort when he realized how what he just said had sounded  
“I…I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way. What I meant was…you know… I don’t care, I don’t care one bit. I admire you for what you’ve done and I know how hard you work…what I was trying to say was…that it matters to you, its always mattered to you. You still don’t tell people where you really come from, you still try and pretend to be something you’re not…and you don’t have to.”  
“I’m sorry Jarvis, I…I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. I suppose…you’re not totally wrong. I just want my son to have all of the advantages I never did growing up.”  
“And this revelation you had earlier…it has nothing to do with you changing your mind about Tony’s education?”  
“No” He lies “I was just thinking it over” and because he’s a good liar, Jarvis believes him

Howard makes a breakthrough in his quest for sustainable energy, albeit one he can’t actually make into a reality yet. This problem gnaws at him. He can’t just leave notes lying around, knowing what he knows now. But its not possible to just leave it, this is too important a discovery to be lost to time. Matters are not helped when it turns out that his longtime collaborator Anton Vanko is trying to hand it over to Leviathan. Vanko is sent back to the USSR, where they don’t look kindly upon his failure. The official story being that he was trying to line his pockets selling Stark Tech to other buyers. Howard gets a massive “I told you so” from Peggy but now she’s moved in with Angie she’s been too distracted to yell at him much. Though Howard must admit to feeling slightly betrayed that Peggy had never told him before that he wasn’t alone in batting for both teams. When he tells her this she just shrugs “I don’t know why you’re surprised. I’m a modern woman after all”

He promotes a young man to replace Vanko. Obadiah Stane doesn’t have much technical knowledge but Howard thinks that it might be better in future if the people closest to him don’t entirely understand what he’s doing. He never has to worry about Stane being able to replicate his work. The man’s politics are a little more hawkish then his own but he understands business and Howard can leave a lot of the day-to-day running of the company to him. He can see that the man is a snake like himself, not too ruthless, not too opportunistic; but calculating, ambitious, and hungry nonetheless. Stane will probably stab him in the back some day but in the meantime he’s good with the press, popular with the employees and good at getting the board to agree with him. Like himself, Stane’s affability is only partially an act. When he comes over to the house Howard feels a twinge of jealousy at how easily he interacts with Tony; listening with rapt attention as the boy explains all the ins and outs of his new robot and completely winning him over. 

He claims to have destroyed all evidence of the new element he’s discovered. The Arc Reactor is officially labeled a pipe dream. But secretly he holds on to the core research and thinks of a way to pass this knowledge down. 

Maria comes home from California and he doesn’t ask questions, its not like he hasn’t found other women to keep him company while she’s been away.  
She climbs into bed with him like nothing’s happened but all she says is;  
“You know, I used to be crazy about you”  
“I’m sorry it didn’t work out.” He answers, in all earnestness.  
“Why? You’re my husband.”  
“I’m talking about a lot of things”  
“I don’t know how I wound up like this. I could have married anyone. I don’t know how I let you do this to me. You’re a selfish old drunk and most of all you’re a liar. That’s all you do, promise people that if they give you money you’ll solve all of their problems. You’re a fake and sooner or later everyone will see right through you. I talked with someone who’s writing a book about you…oh don’t worry, I couldn’t tell him much. I don’t really know you after all… and he says you’ve been lying about your family for decades, gave yourself a fake WASPy name too.” Her voice is bitter and whining; as though calling him enough names will win the argument that he isn’t going to have with her. “Did you ever love me? Do you love anyone, Howard…or whatever your real name is? Because you don’t care about me and you sure as hell don’t feel anything for Antony.” 

Maybe a year ago he’d have been bothered about someone digging up his dirty laundry but it doesn’t seem important anymore. Maybe a while ago he’d said yes, admitted to being that cold. Even though that wasn’t true entirely, he wasn’t going to tell her that she came second to his butler, or Captain America, or Peggy who she’d always been jealous of. But when he had realized how dangerous his world really was; his first thought had been of his son and in the midst of the fear and the guilt there’d been a small shred of relief. ‘This is how a parent is supposed to feel, this terror, this desire to protect. I do love my son. I’m not a monster after all.’  
This is why he gets the idea for the video. First he finds a way to conceal the structure of the atom in a model for a development that will probably never be built. But making promotional material for a half-baked idea is pretty normal for him. After the others have gone he keeps Jarvis back to record his message. He keeps it vague enough that if anyone finds it they’ll think he’s drunk and sentimental, and maybe they’re not totally wrong. If you asked him before what was the best thing he’d ever done with his life, he would have talked about Project Rebirth. No question, helping Steve Rogers achieve his full potential was his greatest accomplishment. But now he felt that his greatest accomplishment was something he did without thinking, something that anyone could do, something that had nothing to do with his life’s work. Because of this thing he did, his son had been brought into the world. Objectively he’d contributed little but becoming a father was somehow so much more important than everything else, even if he put it behind everything else. So he leaves Tony a message. In the future he will figure it out and this innovation will belong to the world, and if Howard doesn’t live to see his son grow up he’ll have something to remember his father by.  
“So Jarvis, what do you think?”  
“Typically narcissistic, did you have to refer to him like one of your experiments?”  
“You’re right I suppose. Should I rerecord it?”  
“No, no, it’s perfect. You told him how you really feel” When he crosses over to behind the camera, he sees that Jarvis’ eyes are moist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something I just thought I'd address here is they way I portray Maria Stark. I know its popular amongst fans to make her this perfect loving mother to make Howard look that much worse by comparison. Now I have issues with portraying mothers this way to begin with, but I really doubt Tony's mom was like that in the MCU. Of course if, in a future film, he talks about how much he loved his mom and how great their relationship was I will take all of this back, but here are my thoughts as of now. 
> 
> 1\. I think she and Howard probably did not have much of a marriage. I love Howard but I can't imagine being married to the guy. I feel really bad for my version of Maria and I don't blame her. Also what with his lost love Steve, his "work wife" Peggy, and his devoted Jarvis I feel like that relationship would be way too crowded
> 
> 2\. I think (possibly because of this) she was not very close to her son. It seems to me like Jarvis was the only one who was really there for Tony. Hence his making an AI so that, in some way, Jarvis would still be able to take care of him after he was gone. In the movies Tony never says anything about his mother only his dad. In Iron Man when he expresses regret about not being able to say goodbye to his parents, its his father he thinks of. Then in Iron Man 2, Howard yells for Maria but someone else comes and picks up Tony, and in Iron Man 3 when he's talking to Bruce Banner he complains about having a nanny until he was 14, to me his resentment suggests what he's saying is that he was raised by nannies until he was a teenager. 
> 
> Also I want to make it clear that I know relatively little about the comics and I consider the characters in the MCU to be fundamentally different people; Tony was never in Vietnam, Steve doesn't hate France, Hank and Howard are not abusers etc.


	11. Think Small

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to let you guys know that I have no excuse for this crack pairing. Its just after watching Behind the Candelabra I can no longer buy Michael Douglas as straight. Also if Steve and Tony are Superhusbands and Tony and Bruce are Science Husbands than Hank and Howard can be Lousy Parent-Suspicious-Jerk With A Heart of Gold-Tech Husbands!

He first meets Hank Pym in one of San Francisco’s better-known gay bars. He had been about to leave; the place had seen better days and he felt like he was getting too old to be cruising.   
“Anyone ever tell you that you look kinda like Howard Stark?”   
He turns around to see a man with very sharp features staring at him from another table.   
“Yes, which is a little weird because I am Howard Stark” The other man comes over to him and extends his hand.   
“Hank Pym. Do you want me to leave you alone or do you want to talk shop?”  
“Why does your name sound so damn familiar? No don’t tell me…you published that paper about communicating with ants. Intriguing stuff” Howard had only really read the paper because some of the guys in R&D thought it was hilarious, which wasn’t fair since his findings were sound. Also Howard’s version of the scientific method amounted to “blow up whatever you want as long as you write it down” so talking to insects seemed pretty reasonable to him.   
“That’s me alright. I’m flattered that you read that paper. I must admit to having a huge amount of respect for your work, though if I’m being honest I don’t much care for your politics or the way you use your talents”  
“Which talents are those? I’ve got quiet a few” Pym looked like he was weighing his options  
“Come back to my place. I want to show you something”  
“Easy tiger, don’t you want me to buy you a drink first?” The other man looks impatient but also like this wouldn’t be a bad way to end his evening out.   
“Its research…but yeah I came here tonight for a reason so we can do that too. I need money”  
“Wow you are a charmer. You ask me for money, try and start a fight about politics…which by the way I don’t think we are necessarily enemies on that front…and worst of all you refuse to flirt” Pym opens his mouth, then reconsiders   
“I’m sorry I…I don’t see how any ethical person can sell arms to the current administration…”  
“Yeah that doesn’t sound like much of an apology”  
“But I’ve followed your work since I was a teenager and I think that you genuinely believe the things you say about better living through technology and that you put good science before profit…and…and well you’re not bad looking”  
“That’s better, so you think you’ve got a real game changer on your hands?”  
It turns out he does. Howard decides to remain in California for longer than he expected. 

He lets Jarvis stay in New York, since he’s still pissed at him for sending Tony to boarding school. Howard doesn’t blame him, telling the kid he was going to be sent away had been tough and he’d been drunk and defensive that night, on edge from lack of sleep;  
“Dad, I don’t want to go…” his son had pleaded “why can’t I just stay here with you and Jarvis?”  
“Because I want you to have the best education you can get. It’ll be a great opportunity for you, maybe meet some other kids who are more like you”  
“No ones like me…everyone at school thinks I’m weird. They make fun of me...”  
“That’s because you’re special. When people see people who are better than them they get jealous. Either learn not to care or learn to blend in. So if the other kids don’t like you here than why don’t you want to go to another school?”  
“Because then I won’t get to see you ever…” He looks at Jarvis, who he knows to be much more susceptible to the big brown puppy dog eyes than his father  
“That’s not true, you’ll come home for holidays and we’ll see you during the summer” Jarvis tries to reassure him but it just makes things worse and Howard can tell that he’s going to start crying soon  
“Please Daddy, I don’t want to go. I promise I’ll be good…”  
“Damn it Tony, this is not a punishment! When I was your age I would have given anything for an opportunity like this. Why can’t you just trust me? All I want is what’s best for you!” He can tell that this is coming out much louder and harsher than he’d intended but he needs this conversation to end now or else he’s going to change his mind.   
“What your father is trying to say” Jarvis tries approach Tony to calm him down since the tears are starting to flow freely now “Is that you are good and we both love you, which is why we want you to be somewhere you can thrive…”   
“No he doesn’t!” The boy screams as he turns to his father “You hate me! You’re sending me away because you don’t want me around!” This takes him completely by surprise, though it probably shouldn’t. But all he can say is;   
“That’s ridiculous” His son can’t actually think that, can he?   
Tony runs out of the room and Jarvis turns on him  
“Very respectfully sir, go to hell!”   
“Oh for…I explained this to him! I explained it to you, I could have just pulled a “because I said so” but I treated him like he’s old enough to understand. You guys are making it sound like I’m sending him to prison or something. It’s one of the top schools in the country! There are people who’d give an arm and a leg for their kids to be able to go there. This is not some monstrous thing that no sane father would do. Being a parent is not about being your kid’s friend, its about doing what’s best for them even if they can’t understand it at the time”   
‘I don’t care if he hates me for this’ Howard thinks ‘I resented my parents once but I forgave them, I realized I didn’t need them, I got tougher, I moved on. In this life you can’t depend on anyone else no matter how competent, or how strong, or however much they love you.’ Of course he wants people to care about him, he’s only human after all. But he can live without it. He’d hate to live without Jarvis and Peggy, but he could if it had to, he still loves Steve Rogers, but he’d never expected anything in return, he loves his son more than anything else in the world, but if he has to hate him, so be it. As long as he was safe and far away from this mess his father was in. 

He stays in Malibu, coming up to San Francisco on weekends and writes checks for Hank Pym but doesn’t get to see what he’s funding. He doesn’t mind though, as long as he doesn’t even think of telling anyone else about these particles. He likes Hank which isn’t easy, likes his discretion, likes his brains, he also likes the no nonsense way they screw.   
One night he drags him to a party where he introduces him to an old college friend of Maria’s.   
“Hank this is Janet Van Dyne. She’s an absolutely amazing fashion designer” Janet smiles, she does that a lot. She’s one of the friendliest people he’s ever met, always the life of the party, always ready with a good joke. When she talks about her interests she lights up and makes you want to know everything she’s willing to tell you about fashion or history or politics or the book she’s reading. Then when it’s your turn to talk she listens like it’s the most riveting thing she’s ever heard.   
“Pleased to meet you Miss Van Dyne…this is um…a lovely party” Hank is blushing and Howard is surprised by his sudden vulnerability.   
“Its nice to meet you too. Please call me Janet! And thank you Howard. How did Maria like that black number you bought for her by the way?”   
“I’m not sure, she’s been in Italy for the past couple months.”  
“Well let me know how it works out. So what do you do Hank, are you in tech too?”   
“Hank can make ants do his bidding!” Howard interjects, deciding to give him some help  
“Howard! Its…I…” But Janet cuts him off before he can try and explain that he’s not some kind of mad scientist (which he totally is).   
“Can you really? That’s so cool! How does it work?” He spends all night talking to Janet and leaves Howard to his own devices. Hank doesn’t officially tell him that whatever is going on between them is over but Howard doesn’t need him too. In the next year Hank perfects the Pym particle. Jarvis finally comes out to California. After Howard has a talk with Peggy he persuades Hank to join SHIELD. He goes by the code name Ant-Man. Hank and Janet get married.


	12. Merchant of Death

Time passes. Maria comes back to living with them on a permanent basis. They start acting like a married couple and bit by bit, it turns into a real marriage. It’s still a crowded one, but Howard always felt it restrictive to only love one person. She also starts spending more time with Tony, when he’s there and the boy thrills at the new source of attention. One day Howard comes home from work to find them in the living room, Maria teaching their son how to play piano. They start laughing about something as he walks in. She turns and then gets up to kiss him on the cheek  
“Hi honey, rough day at the office?”  
Truth be told he never thought of this, coming home to a wife and child. Maybe those wholesome family types were on to something. Sometimes he imagined there being a pretty woman asking him that question but honestly he assumed she’d be a mistress.  
Later when he’s in bed Maria comes in and gives him a long hard look. She reaches up with both hands and slowly pulls the straps of her nightgown off her shoulder letting the silk and lace drop to the floor.  
“Is this…is this what you really want?” he asks  
“I still don’t feel like I know you. But I’d like too. This is what I was always supposed to do and who I was supposed to be. I married rich, had a child, and now we treat each other’s infidelities like they don’t matter. I tried to find another way but I don’t know how to be anything else.”  
“You can be whoever you want Maria”  
“I am who I am Howard. I need to accept that, just like I need to accept you for who you are.”  
“No you don’t.” He’s almost pleading now “You can leave, you can find someone else”  
She smiles at him. It depresses him to no end to admit that he partially wants her to reconsider because he doesn’t know if he’s up to this tonight.  
“I want this. I want you, or whatever part of you you’re willing to give me.” He should say no, but he doesn’t. Because suddenly he wants to please her, to find comfort in her, take what she’s offering.  
“Maria…I’m not worth it. It was easier for you to be away. I did miss you but I won’t lie, it was easy. But it was also safer for you. Being in my life is dangerous and I don’t mean in an emotional sense...there are a lot of people who wouldn’t be above hurting you if they thought they could get to me.”  
“That’s a pretty good reason not to get close to people.” She says before she covers his mouth with hers and he gives in. Years later he’ll remember this conversation as the turning point for them long before the night when they never made it to the airport.  
Afterward they lie together, her head on his shoulder. Her finger traces his collarbone and he slowly runs his hand up her ribs.  
“We haven’t done that in a while” he can hear her words vibrate through his chest.  
“No, not since we got Tony”  
She raises her head “He doesn’t seem angry with me” This is a statement but she makes it sound like a question  
“Of course not, its impossible to be mad at you. Besides you’re his mother. It’s me he doesn’t like” 

After Hank starts working for SHIELD, they recruit Janet as well. Her job as a fashion designer and her naturally outgoing personality make a great cover. No one has reason to believe that this pretty, vivacious socialite is a spy with a much tinier spy hidden in her purse. She and Hank have a baby girl they call Hope. When their daughter is a toddler Janet goes on missions in a suit of her own. They call her The Wasp. People start to ask Howard if he’s ever going to retire, he just says that for him retirement will be a wooden box and they shut up. But he is feeling his age and he’s finding it harder to hide the fact that he’s almost never sober. Over the years he watches his son change. His ideas and experiments are getting more complicated and Howard teaches him everything he knows. Watching his passion take root is deeply rewarding and he comes to the realization that one day Tony won’t need him for anything. That’s how it should be, so why does it make him sad? His son is also getting harder, developing a sarcastic, nasty streak that he both dislikes and encourages. At least on the surface, scratch that and he’s still all naiveté and vulnerability. He claims to have made friends at boarding school, claims he’s thriving there, but Howard wonders and Maria and Jarvis worry. 

Often when he catches his son off guard in the lab he’s usually talking to his robots. He asks the boy if they talk back and Tony just blushes and says no of course not, because he’s not crazy. On one of the many nights he can’t sleep, he goes down to the lab to find his son singing along loudly to an obnoxious rock song on the radio. The fact that he hates this music makes him feel very old as does the realization that his Tony is still a few years away from being a teenager and he’ll be sixty-five in a couple years. Peggy’s grandchildren aren’t that much younger than his son. But it also makes him unreasonably happy and so he just stands there and smiles at the boy’s unbridled enthusiasm. But then he turns around and the moment breaks. Tony looks guilty and ashamed and Howard feels a little sick that his presence seems to suck all of the joy out of his son  
“Ever heard of knocking? And don’t smirk at me like that!”  
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to intrude, and I wasn’t smirking…I just thought it was cute the way…” Howard has never known what to do with these outbursts, it seems like his mere existence irritates Tony these days  
“I saw you laughing at me!”  
“I wasn’t! I was just smiling, my face does that sometimes”  
“Not when you think nobodies watching. Just fuck off will you?” At ten years old Tony has learnt to swear, he’s still kind of proud of it but isn’t very good. Probably because he imagines that it will shock anyone who isn’t Jarvis.  
“I won’t ask where you learnt that kind of language because it was probably from me, but you will not take that disrespectful tone with me young man. If I ever talked to my father like that…” Howard wasn’t sure where he was going with this but Tony seemed to have finished the thought.  
“What he’d hit you? You can’t do that its illegal!”  
“What? Why is that the first thing you’d go to? Have I ever threatened you with anything?” Howard blustered before realizing he was trying to pull out the “you don’t know how good you have it” card but it was coming off as a threat “Yeah my dad hit me, most of the time I deserved it…I just…I know you think I’m so mean but… I let you get away with murder compared to how it was for me growing up.”  
So he walks out and Tony calls after him and he turns around  
“I’m…I’m sorry your dad hit you. I’m sure you didn’t deserve it” He wonders why this bothers his son, this parental discipline from half a century ago. Or is this just Tony acknowledging that maybe he overreacted?  
“I…Tony its not like he beat me with a belt or anything, him and mother would just cuff me when I was outta hand, it was nothing…and it was a different time. Most of the kids I knew had it a lot worse. And I did believe me, I was a nightmare.”  
“Worse than me?” His son drops his eyes down to what he’s working on and tries to say this casually. But it’s not a casual question, so Howard tries to respond honestly but carefully  
“You’re…you’re too smart for your own good and you need to learn that just because you are smart doesn’t mean you know better than all the adults around you”  
“But I do, I’m objectively smarter than all of them” He should have known it wasn’t possible to get his son to budge on this  
“Just because you’ve got a high IQ and can build a computer from scratch doesn’t mean you know better.”  
“Whatever” There’s a pause and Howard is about to say goodnight when Tony cautiously asks another question “What were you like when you were my age?” Howard isn’t sure how to answer that, it was long ago after all and he supposes aside from being brighter than most he wasn’t any different from any other kid.  
“I spent most of my time inside my own head I thought I was smarter than everyone else…and I suppose I hated my parents. So I was a lot like you in many ways” He goes over to Tony and kisses his forehead by way of a goodnight then he turns to leave when he’s called back again  
“Hey dad…I don’t…I don’t hate you…I actually…never mind. Goodnight”  
“Goodnight kiddo”  
He and Tony don’t get a lot of moments like this. Its not like he purposely avoids his son, its jut that they’re often on different coasts and he always has a hundred other things to do. The next time they have a heart to heart is after the boy comes back for the Christmas vacation. By decree of Jarvis, Howard is required to spend the holiday with his family, he’s supposed to be sober too but honestly that’s not going to happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I said a while ago that if it turned out that Tony really loved his mom I'd take back what I said about them not really having a relationship. Well Civil War came out and yeah he clearly cares about his mom. Also Maria and Howard seem to have been pretty devoted to each other (seriously guys, how sad was that death scene?). 
> 
> However I still maintain that even though when Maria was around she and her son got along I get the sense that she and Howard were off on vacation a lot even when he was home from boarding school. So I still feel like Jarvis was the one who was really there for him. 
> 
> Then in the flashback itself Tony's mom strikes me as pretty hands off, I feel like he would have benefitted from either parent laying down better ground rules than "Don't burn down the house". Seriously though, my mom and dad are pretty chill but if they ever found me passed out in the living room after a bender over the holidays I would be in serious trouble. 
> 
> So anyway in this chapter I'm trying to change gears and get Maria to be more like her MCU self


	13. The Family Name

Tony gets in trouble at boarding school for getting in a fight with another student. The principle calls Howard up. When that had happened before he had just written them a check to repair however much of the chemistry lab or metal shop Tony had managed to destroy and got mad at them for acting like it was a big deal. But brawling with his peers was another issue, especially since the boy had gotten his ass handed to him.   
“I was protecting my family honor” is his mumbled answer, like he’s some kind of goddamn cavalier. Maria puts her hands on her boy’s shoulders. He guesses she might get the idea of having a family name to protect, but he doesn’t. When he’s being kind to himself he chalks the difference up to her being born with something to lose. But there’s a nasty little voice that reminds him that Maria loves her family and he ran away from his as fast as he could. A name is not a person. A name is a thing; a shield, a passport, a millstone around your neck. He wasn’t born with the name Stark. Other Jewish families he knew took it for protection in place of their own. Even in casting aside his ancestry he gives himself away. Stark is a German name, it means strong. It does what he needs it to do. 

“Kid, what honor? This other guy, what did he say?”  
“He said that you were a bad person” He’s angry now, like Howard should immediately tell him he was justified, be proud that Tony got a black eye defending his good name.   
“It was brave of you to stand up for your father” Maria seems to agree she looks at him her eyes slightly wide. She doesn’t like fights and he used to be the same way. He’s spent so much time sucking up to people he hates, now whenever he goes to SHIELD he has to choke down the bile and play nice with literal goddamn Nazis so that nobody knows that he’s on to them. But now he’s in his own home and he’s furious at Tony for sticking his neck out like that, and angrier at the other boy.   
“Any specifics?” He snaps  
“He said that you’re mobbed up, that’s how you got rich so quickly. That because you helped make the atomic bomb you should be called a war criminal, that you were responsible for the deaths of thousands of people in Vietnam. He called you a fascist…said that everything I had came from blood money” 

Tony still sounds defiant but there’s a question underneath it all, there’s a doubt and a tremor running through his recitation.   
Howard goes over to the sideboard and pours himself a generous helping of Scotch. He has heard all of this before; heard it screamed by protestors, read it in newspaper columns, seen it on the evening news when he happens to turn on the TV. The Merchant of Death, some call him. It’s not that it doesn’t bother him. He’s been kept up at night thinking of photos from Hiroshima and Nagasaki, tried to drink away the memory of the Russian soldiers in the aftermath of Finow, and hated himself when he’d heard about some of the things his weapons had done in Vietnam. 

“That’s so offensive. Does this kid even know what fascist means? Do they realize that the fascists would have won WWII if not for your dad? He may not have fought in the war but he helped win it. Your father’s a hero” Maria looks at him but he can’t meet her eyes. If he were really brave he’d tell his wife and son what he really is. But he’s not, he wants to hear people say nice things about him. But he gives it a try.   
“Your mother is being her usual kind self. I’m not a hero. Heroes are people like Steve Rogers, selfless people, people who put everything on the line, sacrifice it all and get nothing in return. A lot of other good men died in that war. I walked away from it filthy rich without a scratch on me.” There’s a short nasty pause for Howard to stare at his glass and Maria to sigh. Then Tony speaks up, still glaring at the ground;  
“Steve Rogers wasn’t a hero.”   
He says this slowly and deliberately, wanting to savor the line he’s crossing. And it does produce the intended effect, Howard is so angry he chokes on his drink  
“I had better not have heard what I just thought I heard” he growls   
“Tony, you didn’t mean that. Captain Rogers was a very brave man who gave his life in service of his country” Maria doesn’t really know how Howard feels about Steve. But she does respect war heroes and she has seen the massive amount of Captain America memorabilia lying around the house. Because of these two things she wants her son to apologize. But Tony wriggles out of her grasp and turns to face his father, the words coming quickly now that Tony has gotten something  
“I did mean that! Steve Rogers was a glorified guinea pig. He was dumb and had big muscles, so what? Mom’s right. Dad was a hero because he’s smart. People like us are the real heroes. We make things. We change things. We win the wars not the grunts on the ground!”   
“You’re no hero. You’re just a selfish spoiled little brat.” Tony steps back like he’s recovering from a physical blow and he supposes he should feel guilty about that but he’s too angry right now to care about what’s going on between.   
“Come on Howard, Tony was being out of line but this isn’t necessary.” Says Maria, just on the verge of yelling and he’s thankful that it’s just her and Jarvis isn’t there to pile on as well. 

“What is wrong with you?” This wasn’t what he thought Tony was going to yell. He sort of assumed an “I hate you” was in store and that anything like what his son had just said would have come from his wife. But Tony keeps going “Why are you so miserable? Why do you hate everything? You’re a genius, you’re more famous than the president, you’re one of the richest men in the world and the things you make change the world but all you ever do is drink and whine and yell at people!” And before he could find something to say to that his son went over to the door. He’d found an advantage and now he was hitting it home and to do so he grabbed a framed photo on the wall, a candid shot from Steve’s Captain America USO tour.   
“Antony Edward Stark don’t you fucking dare!” Tony waivered for a second but then smashed the photograph on the floor, sending glass shards flying and cracking the frame. He then ran out of the room not looking at his father. Howard started cursing under his and went over to the doorway. He got down on the floor, scrambling to gather the glass and cutting his hand in the process. Maria kneels down beside him and takes his hand to wrap in her handkerchief. 

“Thank you dear.” he says, resigned to the kindness and the sting of the cut.   
“You should apologize to Tony. He’s a kid Howard, he was trying to get under your skin.” Her hand is still around his and he doesn’t move away.   
“Well it worked. I guess I’ll tell him I’m sorry. I don’t feel sorry”   
“He really looks up to you.” Her voice has softened but it was still a rebuke  
“Well he shouldn’t”   
“He asks some good questions. Why are you always miserable?” he looks up from the ruined photo to answer her and for a moment it is deeply tempting to tell her about SHIELD and let that toxic secret out of him for just a moment. But he doesn’t and it settles back into his bloodstream and keeps poisoning him like it has for years. So he gives her a more general version;  
“I have two extremely stressful full time jobs and at the end of the day I come home to a dysfunctional family which is partially my fault. Anyway haven’t you heard, money doesn’t buy happiness?”  
“I know you like to think that you’re Jay Gatsby but you do know that when you die you’ll have dozens of friends and colleagues showing up at your funeral. You do have a wife and son you know. Or maybe Daisy Buchanan’s out there somewhere and you never had a chance with her…” Maria’s brows furrow and she looks down at the photo in his hands and for a moment he’s thinking that another one of his secrets might come out into the open but all she says is “Speaking of which, how’s Peggy?”  
Howard starts to laugh, and stops abruptly because this is not the right reaction to an argument they’ve had before “You know it’s not like that. Peggy’s like a sister to me” This isn’t totally true but its close enough to give to Maria and not feel guilty. Because its not as though he doesn’t love her, but he’ll never love only her.   
“Fine if that’s what you want to keep insisting. I’m going to go and try and patch things up with our son who is right here right now. You can stay with your memories”

He does just that but after he cleans up the wreckage he finds they’re older memories that nag at him. He hadn’t heard anyone accuse him of mob ties for a while. As it turns out whoever had picked the fight with Tony hadn’t been wrong. Growing up he’d picked out the biggest bullies and befriended them, doing their homework and persuading the girls who really wanted to step out with him to give them a chance. As a teenager he ran around with some of the Italians boys whose fathers and older brothers gave vague answers when asked what they did for a living. The ruffing people up and actual robbery was not his forte but he helped do their books for them and in return everyone in the neighborhood knew not to mess with him. This was especially true after he befriended Joseph Manfredi. Joey was known for his loyalty and his hair trigger temper; a good combination for a friend as long as the temper is directed at other people. They used to meet in the Manfredi kitchen to play poker, smoke, plan jobs, and eat large amounts of pasta courtesy of Joey’s grandmother. He’d come home too late smelling like tobacco and get in trouble with his parents. They didn’t want to take the money he made over there so he spent it on himself. 

Back when the Feds nabbed Manfredi he was able to keep his name out of it. But there was nothing he could do for Joey, not without exposing himself. This didn’t make any of it right, but he’d had his whole life since the war to learn to live with that guilt, not to listen to people who didn’t know his life story or care about any of the good he’d done. That being said he’d never had to hear any of this from his son before.


	14. Men Plan, God Laughs

Puberty doesn’t do Tony any favors. Like death and taxes it does not discriminate and is universally cruel. But aside from that, it becomes increasingly clear that something is wrong with the boy. It’s not until one night when he’s thirteen and home for spring break, that Howard finds him drunk in the study. The door to the liquor cabinet is open. If Howard were another kind of parent he’d probably check to see if there was liquid missing from the bottles, but he never knows how much is in them anyway. He drains them and lets Jarvis fill them up again.   
Tony is rolling around on the carpet and telling him about how he just finished reading Atlas Shrugged and how it completely blew his mind and was also really soft and fluffy…or maybe that was the carpet, he wasn’t sure.   
“Tony, why are you doing this? I won’t say you’re too young to be this messed up… believe me you couldn’t pay me to be thirteen again…but this is…what’s the matter? How often have you gotten drunk like this?”  
His son looks up at him then he grins like he already knows what he’s going to say will rattle his father  
“Tony drinks because the world is full of terrible people” His own words parroted back at him from the night he found out about Hydra. It must have left an impression then.   
“How often do you get drunk like this?” Howard repeats the question   
“Not a lot really…just kinda…buzzed mostly.” He buries his face in the carpet, then turns back, the loopy smile noticeably gone. “Dad…I don’t feel so good…” Howard picks up his son and half carries him to the garbage can where he proceeds to throw up and say how sorry he is. Howard strokes his hair and tells him not to apologize and that everything’s ok, its good to get it all out like this.   
“I don’t want to go back to school” he mutters after he’s finished “Please…I just…I’m so bored and I hate everyone or they don’t like me or both…I don’t know who started it…But I’m so fucking miserable there…I just…” So this is what’s going on, well he has to give the boy credit for putting up with it for this long, normally he’s pretty quick to complain.   
“Shh kid, its ok.” He strokes the back of Tony’s neck like he’s an injured racehorse “I promise you’ll never have to go back there again.”  
“Really…you’re not mad at me?” Howard is about to say something nice but then his son throws up again.   
“You know if you’re unhappy you can tell me. I…I don’t want you to be miserable.”  
“Coulda fooled me…” the boy slurs. “I tried to tell you before but you never listen”   
“I know I make decisions that you don’t like sometimes but…I only ever want what’s best for you. Maybe someday you’ll know the full story and you’ll understand.” He helps Tony over to the couch where he passes into unconsciousness and Howard covers him with one of the throw blankets draped over the opposite armchair. He goes to find Maria and tells her about the conversation they just had. She just looks defeated   
“So what do we do?” Maria throws up her hands at his question  
“How am I supposed to know? This is your fault anyway; you drink too much and set a bad example. Also there is just way too much alcohol in this house. You need to clear it all out”  
“You know we can just lock the liquor cabinet right? And of course, when in doubt blame me, because you’re as in over your head as I am”  
“Because you’re an alcoholic! You have a problem Howard!” Of course his wife would switch to something he couldn’t really disagree with her about.   
“You’re getting us off topic. Where are we going to send Tony for school? We move around too much, I mean where would we even start looking? He’s not going to a public school, I don’t care how good it is.” They argue about it for a while but nothing gets resolved. Eventually he asks Peggy for advice. She’s the one who suggests that Tony might qualify to go to college early, though she adds the caveat that he’s probably not ready for it socially. He looks into this prospect and finds that prestigious institutions are very interested in his genius son, with the money and attention he’d bring. When he and Maria sit down and go through their options with Tony he jumps at the college one. Maria tries to argue that it would be a repeat of his boarding school experience but he can see that Tony is too infatuated by the idea; yet another piece of proof that he’s smarter than everyone. Or maybe this isn’t fair and he’s just excited because its not high school. Howard is pretty sure that things haven’t changed that much since he was a kid. The way he remembered it, either you hated high school or you were the reason everyone else hated it. So despite Maria’s objections, they decide on the college route. 

After Tony goes off to M.I.T., Howard has a talk with Nick Fury. It’s a gamble, after all, Fury is close with Alexander Pierce. But that doesn’t mean that he trusts him. Fury doesn’t trust anyone, which is what makes him the most trustworthy. But if he does turn out to be HYDRA, Howard has enough faith in his own abilities that what he’s giving him wouldn’t be very useful to them.   
“I want you to give this suitcase to my son when he’s old enough” He tells Nick in one of the safe houses that he’s pretty sure no one knows about  
“Old enough for what? Crashing sports cars and blowing through his trust fund?”   
“He’s just a kid, cut him some slack” Howard has to admit that this does sound like a fairly accurate description of what Tony will be like in a few years.  
“I can’t, I’ve heard too many stories from Carter. Anyway when do you think he’ll be ready? Rich white kids have a tendency to stay kids forever.” He doesn’t blame the man for being irritated. It’s late and they’re in a bad neighborhood. He wonders what Nick would rather be doing right now. Girlfriend? Boyfriend? Bottle of scotch? Maybe a hobby like taxidermy or knitting? Or all of those things at once, now that would be interesting.   
“Privilege and inequality aside are you willing to do this or not?” Howard asks. Nick cocks his head so that he has a better view out of his eye.  
“Why me? I’m guessing this isn’t just a bunch of sentimental keepsakes or your super secret porn collection.” He may be wrong but it seems like Nick is stating this as a very real possibility.   
“You hurt my feelings, do I seem like the kind of guy who doesn’t share porn with his friends? No it’s…its something I don’t want to fall into the wrong hands, it’s the key to the arc reactor technology. I know I won’t live to see it finished but if anyone down the road will be able to figure it out its my boy… Look this sounds nuts I know but as my old man said; “Men plan, God laughs”. There’s only so much we can do so why not bank on something that’s too nuts for anyone to see coming?”  
“I’m not going to try to argue with that logic. Anyway that’s sweet Howard, but if what you’re telling me is true, than the wrong people can’t be allowed to get ahold of it. And I must say you’re putting a lot of faith in a teenager.” Even though he says this he stretches out his hand and takes the case from Howard.   
“This work can’t be finished now by anyone. I’m just kicking the can down the road. Do you have any tech geniuses with unlimited resources you’d prefer to give it to?”  
“I actually have a pretty good sized list, now that you mention it. But I’ve trusted in your judgment before so if this is what you want I’ll see it done. When do I give it to him?” Fury asks   
“That’ll be your call.” He responds “Does that make you feel any better?”  
“No, it does not.” After Nick says this he moves to leave but then turns around to ask something “When you say you won’t live to see it finished…are we talking about something like cancer or someone got it out for you?”  
“Multiple someone’s might have it out for me. I also could have cancer…probably liver cancer.”  
The other man nods, buts before he leaves he says “Well its nice to hear that you’re not dying”  
“Thanks Nick…That means a lot to me.” He pauses but then decides to throw caution to the winds. “When I do die…never mind I’ve already asked for one favor...”  
“I think I can guess.”  
“Well, what am I going to ask you?”  
“You want us to keep looking for Captain Rogers, don’t you?”  
“Yes, yes that is what I want.” When Howard says this its almost a whisper, but it carries clearly through the room.   
“You know you’re not the only one”

Nick introduces him to one of the other ones; a new agent named Phil Coulson. He’s nervous and self-deprecating but knows his stuff and looks him in the eye. Howard knows enough men of action to know how often shyness and earnestness hide chilled steel. He likes the man, maybe it’s just that he seems like he should be Howard’s age. He wasn’t aware that Americans were made like that anymore.   
“You probably don’t remember Mr. Stark, but you met my father once.”  
“Oh really, when was that?” He assumed that he had bumped into him somewhere, he did meet a lot of people and he had to admit that he got a rush when they acted like meeting him had made their day.   
“The year I was born sir, early 60’s. My dad’s told the story over and over again. You gave him Lola…that’s what I named the car” Now Howard does remember the guy, through a haze of alcohol and the horror that had set in when he realized that he’d given such a dangerous piece of technology to a suburban dad.   
“Wait…the car…oh god I …I was drunk as a skunk when I did that…nice guy your dad, but I probably shouldn’t have given it to him”  
“Yeah… he figured. Still, it was awfully generous of you. Its funny, once I started researching you I learned that, what happened to that car, is something of a mystery for your biographers and fans and such. But we’ve taken real good care of her over the years.”  
He winds up giving Coulson a private tour of his vintage tech collection at home and enjoys watching someone get excited over the design of the hardware. He tries not to be too nostalgic about his own work, after all he’s supposed to be a man of the future. But he’s finally having to admit that this is the future. Its here and its run out on him and anything after this belongs to someone else.   
Once they’ve finished with the technology Coulson gets a look at one of his USO tour posters and so they wind up roaming around the house while Howard tries to badger the other man into selling him his Captain America trading cards which Coulson refuses to part with.   
“Mr. Stark can I ask you a question?”  
“You just did. Go ahead, shoot”  
“What was he really like? I mean…I’ve just read so much and so I sort of fall into the trap of thinking I know him. But I don’t, you did. So please tell me, was he really as…as great as everyone said he was?”  
“Oh Mr. Coulson I assure you, he was better. And what was he like? He was a real person. You know what I mean? Obviously we’re all real people but…well you might be, but you’re also a spy. Me on the other hand, I’m like paper money. I’m only real because people believe in me. I’ve known my fair share of good men but Steve was one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met; probably the bravest too. But he had one hell of a temper and he could curse a blue streak. A lot of people don’t know that because he didn’t like his men to swear and felt bad about taking the lord’s name in vain. Sometimes he’d even laugh at my dirty jokes…but then he’d blush, it was real cute. When I say he was the bravest man I knew that’s not because he never got scared, he just went right ahead anyway. So don’t let anyone tell you about how perfect and wholesome he was; or that he was too dumb to see the world in all its pain and corruption. He expected the worst of people but hoped for the best. And that isn’t easy to do.” The other man is smiling, listening to Howard reaffirm his childhood hero  
“Thank you sir…that’s just how I pictured him. I would like to think that that’s how I am. I’m a cynic in many ways but not without faith and I know that those two things are hard to keep at the same time. I’m sorry, but you still can’t have those trading cards.”


	15. If There's A Reason I'm Still Alive

It’s around this time that he first hears the stories about the Winter Solider. It isn’t so much that he doesn’t credit them, just that he doesn’t believe that one man could be capable of all those kills. If what they say is true he’s been active since the late 50’s. That would make him middle aged at the very least, probably closer to his or Peggy’s age. It must be a different man taking on the same code name or unrelated Soviet assassins with similar modus operandi. But the stories keep circulating and it’s not clear where they come from exactly. The Winter Solider becomes like one of those ghost stories that winds up getting told over and over again around a fire, each retelling with different details and the tellers claiming different sources. But he puts this figure out of his mind completely. So much so that, years later, he doesn’t realize it when he finds the answer to the riddle. 

College seems to have been the right choice for Tony. When they talk on the phone he sounds excited about his classes, though quick to assert that they’re still too easy for him.   
“Well if they’re so damn easy than you better have a 4.0 on that report card or it’ll be back to boarding school with you.” The response he gets to this is a long dramatic sigh   
“Yes dad, I get it. I promise to never leave the library from now until I graduate with some Latin word in front of my degree.”  
“I didn’t say that, nor did I make any comments about your unholy credit card statements. Remember; work hard, play hard. That’s the family motto. Also if you’re going to drink don’t do it alone…” Maria gives him a nasty look for this but doesn’t say anything.   
He has a hard time telling exactly how much time Tony spends partying compared to doing his homework. But he has a full course load and, when they see his grades at the end of the semester, he is in fact getting all A’s. He also seems to be making friends for the first time in his life…well one friend at least. During his winter break Tony asks if he can have someone over to their house in Long Island after Christmas.   
When he does show up, James Rhodes comes as a surprise. Howard likes him right away. But then again he does recognize him as “a good influence” and “that friend your parents like” exactly what he avoided in his companions as a teenager. Rhodes is the kind of boy who was clearly taught how to interact with adults before other kids his age. He stands up straight, looks people in the eye and calls him “sir” which makes Howard uncomfortable. He explains that he comes from a strict military family and wants to join the Air Force once he graduates from college. He’s not entirely sure what such a straight-laced kid is doing with Tony but his son’s never had a friend before, so he figures he shouldn’t question it and just be happy for him. It all makes a little more sense one night when he gets home before his wife and finds them watching old cartoons on the television and arguing about weather or not to smoke pot in the house.   
“Come on, it’ll be better in here than if we go outside. It’s freezing out there and the TV is in here, so is the kitchen.”  
“So we’ll eat the snacks after we get high and we’ll only be out for a few minutes. I think this is a bad idea to begin with. I personally, would rather this vacation didn’t end with your parents killing me. Anyway Tony, I know you don’t care, but this couch probably cost more than my father’s car, I do not feel comfortable ruining it.”  
“Dude, my parents won’t give a shit.” Tony responds while settling the argument by lighting up a joint and taking a long pull “My mom loves to act like nothing’s ever wrong, because she hopes that it’ll somehow make us a normal functional family if she just pretends hard enough. My dad doesn’t give a rat’s ass about what I do as long as I actually get some work done. That goes for most of the bad stuff but also means he doesn’t care if I ever do anything right. Besides I can tell that he already loves you. For a guy who spent most of his life cultivating this bad boy reputation he has a real thing for the goody two shoes of this world.” Howard is about to but in here realizing that he’s been eavesdropping but then Rhodey says something that makes him stay quiet.  
“What? The whole Captain America thing? I don’t think its that weird…and if we’re going to do this here can you at least share the joint?”  
“Its totally weird!” Tony responds, while passing the aforementioned cannabis over to his friend “You don’t live with him. He never shuts up about that asshole”  
“So? They were friends. He was an icon who died tragically young. I know a bunch of people who are really into Rogers and they didn’t even know him. Also I’d imagine that part of it was that your dad’s always said he felt that helping to make him into a super solider was his greatest accomplishment, and that’s saying a lot” Tony snorts and Rhodey hands the joint back to him.   
“I’m telling you it’s an obsession and its weird. It’s like having this perfect straight A student older brother who never gets into trouble but still manages to have friends and a banging hot girlfriend.”  
“Gross Tony, isn’t she like your godmother?”  
“So? That doesn’t make Peggy not hot. Have you seen her boobs? But with fucking Rogers, its like, whatever I do it can never possibly measure up to what he did.” Tony takes a long drag and coughs a couple of times before taking a sip of water. Rhodey just shrugs.  
“I really don’t think that’s what’s going on here. You’re just relating everything back to yourself, like always. Anyway the two were the same age, I doubt he saw him as a son. Has he ever explicitly compared you?”  
“No, I mean he’s used the guy as an example a couple of times but he’s never explicitly compared us…I said explicitly! Because he doesn’t need to do that, it’s just always there. And you want to know another reason why it’s weird? He doesn’t accept that Rogers is dead, he kept trying to find him after the war. He hates being on boats and he’s terrified of drowning but he’ll go to dangerous parts of the North Atlantic to try and find this loser”  
“Do you ever think part of it might be guilt? I mean your dad must have known a lot of guys who died in the war but he didn’t serve. Maybe he felt bad about that…not that he needed to. You do see it in guys who come back from war when their friends don’t, its called survivor’s guilt. I don’t know, I’m not a shrink or anything but maybe your dad fixates on Captain Roger’s as a placeholder for all those young men. They only call the guys who served in WWI ‘The Lost Generation’ but the quote unquote ‘Best Generation’ a lot of them died and a lot of them didn’t come back the same. I mean my granddad was proud of what he did but he also saw some shit when he was in Europe and he’ll never forget it…I mean…I don’t know…again you just see this kind of thing in veterans sometimes.”   
Howard doesn’t really know what to say to this. A part of him feels invaded, like his son’s friend just came into his house and rummaged through his underwear drawer or the safe in his study to find something he’d overlooked or convinced himself wasn’t really there. It shouldn’t have taken an eighteen-year-old boy who’d just met him a week ago to make him realize this.   
‘I should have died.’ He thinks ‘I should have died with the other men my age, on beaches, in jungles, in the freezing cold. I should have died in Hiroshima or Nagasaki where I helped drop those bombs. I should have died in the Blitz like the poor people I saw being carted away in the mornings after air raids. I should have gone to the camps, like the family members I knew must have died there, but could never bring myself to try and track down. I should have been one of the ones who slaughtered each other at Finow or was killed by the midnight oil in New York. Why are so many people suffering so terribly around the world and here I am in my mansion with my money and power and fame, with my brilliant son and my beautiful wife? What kind of world glorifies a man like me, calls me a hero when I’ve left nothing but death and destruction in my wake? Every thing I do ends in death, yet I’m still alive. Steve is dead but here I stand. What the hell kind of sense does that make?’   
Its not that he hadn’t felt like this before, hadn’t thought about how he deserved death for all the death he’d spawned, but he’d never realized where Steve fit into all of this. He hadn’t realized the extent to which he’d used him as a placeholder for all the things he didn’t want to think about. He let himself feel Steve’s death over and over again because he couldn’t bear to feel for all the rest. He didn’t have enough sorrow in him for every individual lost during the war. No one alive could feel the pain of sixty million lives extinguished and countless more ruined. They’d won but at what cost? Now what an insignificant thing that seemed. Did it really matter even? It didn’t bring any of them back.   
Tony gets up, to get a drink or something to eat and turns to see him standing there  
“Oh shit!” All the cockiness is gone now and he just looks like a kid with his hand in the candy jar. Rhodey turns to stare at him as well and immediately starts apologizing.   
“Mr. Stark, I am so so sorry…”  
“You boys do whatever you want. I don’t care if the house smells like pot. I’d rather you do it in here than somewhere else. Also can I have a hit of that?” Rhodey nervously passes him the joint and he takes a deep pull on it. Marijuana has never done much for him, but right now he needs something and he doesn’t want to get any drunker tonight. He knows he shouldn’t stay but he can’t be alone right now.   
“How much of that conversation did you hear?” Asks Tony, who seems to have recovered himself, now that its clear that Howard isn’t mad.  
“All of it…I never meant to compare you to Steve. You two are very different people…I don’t see him as a son, I’d never think of him like that.” He’s not apologizing, he was annoyed when he first heard Tony making that accusation, but now he just feels numb.  
“Yeah whatever…so is Rhodey right about the survivor guilt thing?” He looks over at the other boy to see him waving his hands back and fourth over one another trying to say stop without actually saying it  
“You, Mr. Rhodes, are very perceptive. But I really don’t want to talk about it” He stares at the moving images on the TV, trying to figure out where he’s seen them before. He hears his son say “Dude, I think you broke my dad” but it seems like a long way away. They’re all quiet for a while then Tony asks what the people who were making these cartoons were on.   
“Its called creativity”   
“So what you’re saying is they were on drugs”  
Suddenly he notices one of the characters and remembers watching this with a girl one evening at the pictures, sharing popcorn and a flask of gin. Back when things were so much simpler.   
“These are old Fleischer Brothers Cartoons. They used to play before movies. Back when you got your money’s worth at the cinema. They had news and cartoons and other things, a lot of times there’d be two movies instead of one they called that a double feature. Anyway I always liked the Fleischer’s stuff best. Their biggest character was a hot girl who rebelled against her old world, immigrant parents; I got that. Also all the big cartoon stars of that era were men…well mice and rabbits but you get what I mean, the Fleischers even had a couple of girl cartoonists. They just had a much more urban, New York sensibility than the Hollywood guys.”  
He sits there with them for a while and they ask him a few questions about old movies. Though the feeling he had before doesn’t pass it’s eased up enough that he no longer feels himself staring into an abyss. But he knows even as he’s walking away from it, the abyss still stares back at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm supposed to be working on my NaNoWriMo now but you know what? Imma gonna finish this first.  
> Yes, the title is a Hamilton reference because Hamilton is applicable to everything.   
> Also I'm studying the history of animation at the moment and I'm trying to sort out which MCU characters would like which cartoons. I feel like Howard and Steve would all like the Fleischer bros because they're progressive New York boys (also Howard having a similar background). I think Howard would also like Flip the Frog too because those were pretty dirty. Bucky I see as being a Warner Bros guy and Peggy I think wouldn't be into cartoons Despite the fact that they're all owned by Disney I don't really see them as Disney people.


	16. Having a Bigger Stick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up guys; more violence than usual and mentions of domestic abuse and these things are complicated

Despite the fact that Tony seems to be thriving at college the fact remains that he is still Tony. A few months after his son’s fifteenth birthday, one of Howard’s meetings is interrupted by a call from the Pentagon. Apparently, someone at M. I.T. has hacked into their defenses. A quick investigation had revealed that the only person who could have been responsible was Tony. Howard isn’t sure weather to be proud or furious. 

When he gets to the Pentagon he sees Happy Hogan is there. Hogan heads straight for him looking deeply concerned before he motions to the bodyguard to sit back down. Before Tony went to college Howard had insisted on hiring someone to protect him. His son had fought him hard on that front, arguing that it would make his social life a nightmare. Jarvis had suggested a compromise; Tony had to have a bodyguard but he was fully responsible for choosing the person in question. He would interview the candidate on his own and Howard wasn’t allowed to override his final decision. In the end Tony had picked Hogan, who Howard considered to be the least qualified of the potential bodyguards; a failed boxer with barely anything in the way of a resume or references. But Howard had agreed to it and Jarvis had refused to let him back out of the deal. So far it was tough to tell his effectiveness but he and the kid seemed to get along extremely well (at no point had Tony snuck away from him like he had with previous bodyguards and nannies) and he could see that if Hogan wasn’t competent he was, at the very least, loyal. 

When he goes into the room where Tony is being interrogated, he sees the boy sitting petulantly, his body language closed and defensive with his arms crossed tightly in front of his chest. He finds Peggy already there yelling at one of D.O.D. higher ups with another man trying to calm them both down.  
“What’s going on here?” Everyone turns on him and starts talking at once but Peggy is, as usual, dominates.  
“Howard! Explain to your son why it is so dangerous to hack into this building’s computer system. Tell him that he could have seriously compromised this nations defenses or given anyone with a computer the government’s most guarded secrets, or potentially endangered agents in the field, or triggered weapons systems or started bloody WWIII!”  
“I didn’t do any of those things! It was just a dare, I didn’t even look at anything!”  
Howard knows he should take his son to task but since everyone in the room seems to be against him, Howard is moved to go with his worst instincts. Even after all these years of technically being one, he hadn’t lost a distrust of government agents.  
“That’s pretty impressive. How much time did it take you?”  
“Mr. Stark, this is not a joke. We are still trying to figure out how he got through the world’s most advanced security system.” Said the guy who had been trying to mediate before  
“Well it can’t be that advanced if a bored teenager got through it. Anyway, calm down guys, it wasn’t some Soviet Agent, just Tony. You’re not with the commies are you son?”  
“Net…I mean nope, I’m 100% all American” Howard enjoyed watching the man who’d been yelling glare at him like he was about to burst a blood vessel  
“Anyway” Tony piped up, emboldened by his father’s support “The way I see it, you guys should be thanking me for finding the weak points for you”

Though Howard would always remember what happened next vividly; it was at a distance. I was as though he left his body and watched the scene play out on film or walked in on a private moment between people he didn’t know. The angrier of the two bureaucrats let out a noise, almost like a growl, and shot away from the desk. Before anyone could say or do anything the man had punched Tony on the jaw and grabbed him by the collar  
“Listen to me you little shit! You put us all through hell today just for the fun of it. If your daddy was anyone else I’d have you locked away where no one could find you so I could beat you within an inch of your life to get the answers I want”  
Howard and Peggy dived for him at the same time and she got there first, pulling him off of the now cowering boy. Howard wasn’t sure of what he did physically (he probably pushed him away or took a swipe at the guy) but he definitely remembered the rage and the threat he practically hissed through clenched teeth.  
“You lay a finger on my son again and I will fucking kill you”  
“You don’t scare me Stark, my dead mother hits harder than you” This probably isn’t wrong, he’s never been able to hold his own in a fight. As soon as he figured out how the world works he found out ways to win over his would-be enemies and to get bigger, stronger people to fight his battles for him. So this insult doesn’t unbalance him the way it might a man who imagines himself to be a tough guy.  
“I don’t need any of that. All it’ll take is a phone call and they’ll never find what’s left of you” He spits  
“Howard, calm down. Please, this doesn’t need to get any uglier” Assures Peggy. She can’t hide her own anger, but she’s level headed enough to realize that Howard is skating on thin ice.  
“I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…I swear, I didn’t mean to do anything. It was just a stupid bet and I didn’t really think I could anyway…please I don’t want to go to jail” Tony begs and he sees that the boy has tears in his eyes, probably from a combination of shock, fear, and pain. Peggy assures him that he won’t be going to prison, she doesn’t try and justify this because really he should be punished for this. She just tells him that she and his father won’t let anything bad happen to him. She’s right of course, no one at the Department of Defense wants to make an enemy of the director of S.H.I.E.L.D. or to be sighted as the reason that Howard Stark didn’t renew his contracts. 

The three of them walk out of the office together. Once they’re out of earshot of the others Tony asks them if they’re mad at him.  
“Yes, that doesn’t mean we don’t love you dear, but this is extremely serious.”  
“I’m sorry, I just didn’t think…” he repeats his defense over again.  
“That’s the problem with you Tony” Says Howard in one of his most resigned tones “You don’t think, you just do something because it sounds good to you at the time”  
“This coming from a man who once hit golf balls into an inter-dimensional rift in the fabric of time and space.”  
“Wait what? I have to hear this story!” Tony seems to have quickly forgotten his show of contrition and his earlier assault in the face of another one of Peggy’s unflattering recollections.  
“Do as I say Tony, not as I do” Is the only answer he gets out of Howard  
“Isn’t that the hypocrites motto?” Asks Tony  
“No, it’s the motto of someone who knows what its like to suffer with the consequences of terrible decisions because he’s made enough for ten lifetimes” 

They get into Howard’s Cadillac and he takes Peggy to the S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters. Once she’s said goodbye to both of them Tony gets out and sits in the front with his father. They’re silent for a while then his son asks him to pull over. He obeys and looks at Tony expectantly.  
“Dad” Tony still isn’t looking at him  
“Son”  
“Would you really have killed that man back there?” Now he turns to face Howard, he’s afraid.  
“I don’t know if I could have, I’m not very handy without a weapon on me.” This is indecisive, but that itself is an answer  
“Dad this is serious. Would you have killed him if Peggy hadn’t stopped him from hurting me? Are you going to kill him?”  
“Do you think I wouldn’t protect you? You’re my son, no one gets to treat my son like that” Now Howard realized he was the one who had to justify himself. But he couldn’t pretend he felt any other way, he was still too furious  
“Its not like he was going to kill me or anything…I mean it hurt, and it scared me…” He reaches over and takes his son’s jaw in his hand and gently tilts it towards the light. There is still a red mark where the fist connected.  
“Tell you what, lets go out to lunch and we can get you some ice for that”  
“Ok, you pick the restaurant. I don’t know what’s good here.” Silence descends again but Howard can tell that Tony isn’t done  
“Come on kid, say what you need to say”  
“I…I kind of liked this whole getting along thing we were doing for a couple minutes…I guess…I just want to know if you’re going to put a hit on that guy. Because even though he’s an asshole…I don’t want you to kill anyone because of me”  
“No, I’m not going to do that.”  
“Have you had people killed before? When you said you’d call people, you meant in the mob right?”  
“No, I’ve never had anyone killed for personal reasons” He couldn’t rightly say he’d never had anyone killed, but the other ones had been on S.H.I.E.L.D. business. He’d had his friends in the mob rough people up before, but never straight up murder anyone  
“I’m sorry I scared you.” He says after a pause “I just got angry and wanted to intimidate him.” 

He should have known that this was the reaction he’d get. This wasn’t the first time he’d been surprised that people didn’t appreciate him threatening to sic the mob on their enemies as much as he thought they would. 

Back when he was about sixteen he spent as much time as he could outside of his family’s cramped apartment. But that evening he was home; his parents were asleep and his sister Rachel was out with her boyfriend. He had been reading an advanced physics book that the library had only agreed to rent him when he lied and said it was for his father. He had been about to go to sleep when his older sister got home and upon seeing him, mumbled a hurried goodnight and tried to run to the bathroom before her brother saw that she was crying. But he had been quicker than that and blocked her way out of the kitchen. Once he got close to Rachel he was able to see the red marks on her neck. Even at that distance she still tried to brush her hair down over her eye with her fingers, but Howard could already see the purplish bruise starting to darken there. 

“What happened?”  
“Its…it was my fault, I embarrassed him in front of his friends…I just made a joke that I shouldn’t have. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings…then he thought I was trying to impress one of the other guys because I was flirting with him…I didn’t…I’m not like that…” He didn’t interrupt her even though he wanted to. He just kept the venomous white-hot rage inside him and stayed quiet, his sister didn’t deserve to get yelled at by another man tonight.  
“Rachel, this isn’t your fault. Nothing you could do would justify him beating you like this. Even if you had fucked his best friend in front of him, he’d have no right to hurt you” Even as hard as he tried he can keep his tone level. He knows how angry he sounds. She nods, a little hesitantly but commits to it.  
“You’re right, you’re right. But he said he was sorry, he just let his temper get the best of him.”  
“That’s not a goddamn excuse. You told him you’d never see him again? Right?”  
“Well sure I am, we still love each other after all”

This hadn’t been temper, Howard knew this kind of man. He’d seen Rachel as an easy target, a pretty insecure girl who was popular enough with the other boys to be a catch, but not confident enough in her sexuality to throw him over for another guy. A girl with only weedy younger brothers and a sickly father and sister and parents who wouldn’t dare go running to the police. People who were afraid of being kicked out of the country, of drawing any unwelcome attention. They were people who put their heads down and took whatever abuse they were given and didn’t fight back.  
Well he wasn’t going to take it. He wasn’t going to be his parents, he’d fight back, he’d make sure people knew who he was and why they shouldn’t mess with him. His parents had come to America so that they didn’t have to be afraid but they couldn’t not be there were still too many who wished them harm. Their fear was understandable, but he couldn’t live like that.

“I’m going to take care of this” Is all he said. He got his coat and started for the door as his sister yelled after him  
“Hermann don’t! Whatever you’re going to do don’t! Leave this alone” But she doesn’t follow him out of the apartment, probably because she doesn’t want the neighbors to see. 

Looking back on his life Howard has had a lot of moments like this, ones that not so much changed him but made the change apparent to him. Hermann Spiegel had been gone for quiet sometime but it was only now that he really shed the skin of him and Howard Stark took his place. When he made the choice to walk over to Joseph Manfreddi’s house he cut away a part of his old self. It was the part that hung onto an idea that the law and justice were somehow intertwined or maybe it was just that justice was ever served. His sister would let that bastard get away with hurting her because it was easier that way, because she thought that being hurt was part of her lot in life. She’ll go back to him and get beaten again because she’d rather have it be her fault than have it be unfair. Well life isn’t fair. When he thought this too himself it was frightening but it also set him free. If life isn’t fair he didn’t have to be fair either, if the game was rigged than there’s no harm in cheating  
‘This isn’t justice’ he thought ‘Whatever that means. We’re all just cavemen hitting each other with our clubs and sticks. Well I’m going to end it with this asshole the only way men like that understand, by showing him that I’ve got a bigger stick.’

He finds the bigger stick in question cleaning his dad’s car in his garage with a couple of his friends  
“Hey there Howie, what brings you over this time of night? Thought you had a hot date with your fancy library book” Howard steps a little closer and the smile fades from Joey’s face  
“Hey you don’t look so hot, is something wrong?” Now that Howard is standing still he realizes he’s shaking with anger. He takes a flask out of his jacket pocket and drinks. It doesn’t help right then of course, it takes a bit to hit him but its something to do before he has to talk.  
“Its my sister Joey. Her boyfriend socked her on the jaw because she told a joke he didn’t like…choked her too based on the look of her throat” He watched Manfreddi’s eyes go dark and hard and then as he walked to the corner of the garage and picked up his baseball bat. He knew what kind of effect this would have. There was a part of him that suspected that Manfreddi might have a thing for his sister. But they both knew Rachel wouldn’t give him the time of day because of his family and her belief that he was corrupting her little brother. But he knew that even if Joe didn’t have a crush on Rachel he’d still be up in arms. That was one of the things he liked about the guy, it genuinely made him furious to see a woman mistreated. 

“Just baseball bats or should we get an ice pick? Unless you think this calls for heaters?” The guy who hasn’t spoken chimes in  
“Well Howard, its up to you” Says Manfreddi  
“Just…just baseball bats. We just want to make it clear to him that he can’t treat Rachel like that and that he can’t go near her ever again. We don’t need to kill him”  
Before Howard thought his rage knew no bounds, but now he was confronted with the chance to play God and smite this man for hurting his family, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. On the one hand the whiskey was kicking in but paradoxically he felt more sober. Manfreddi must have felt the same way because he looked at the baseball bat in his hand and seemed to weigh it. Howard wasn’t sure if Joey had ever killed anyone before, they’re both still in high school after all. But as uncomfortable as that question doesn’t stop him; it doesn’t pull him back from the course he takes. 

The next morning they get the jump on Rachel’s boyfriend, now decades later Howard doesn’t even remember his name. They take him into the alley and the other guys hold him down while Joey beats him to a bloody pulp; bare fists, doesn’t use brass knuckles, doesn’t even wrap them. When he’s done his hands are bloody. Manfreddi looks like he’s about to say something but then turns to Howard and backs away. Howard stands over him and watches as he spits out two teeth.  
“You stay away from Rachel Spiegel, understand? You are never to talk to her ever again. Don’t even think about going to the police, trust me we’ll know if you do.”  
“Believe me I’ll stay away, your tramp of a sister ain’t worth this” Howard just stood still when he said that and was rewarded in a second when he heard the crack of Joey’s bat connecting with a kneecap and the ensuing scream.  
“Trust me, if you knew Manfreddi here you’d know that you’re getting off very easy”  
With that they all walk away and leave him to bleed in the gutter  
Howard’s innocence is truly gone now, in a way he didn’t feel it was before when he just hung around and did the numbers for these guys. But for the first time in his life he feels like he has some measure of control over the world around him. So if that’s the price he had to pay for power then it was well worth it.  
The other price is steeper. His sister never forgave him when she found out;  
“I told you not to do anything, I told you what I wanted but you didn’t care.” Her tone is bitter when she rebukes him, he notices she’s wearing face powder to cover up her bruises. “It wasn’t your pain to avenge. You didn’t care about what he did to me, all that mattered to you was that you felt like he wasn’t properly intimidated by you. Well he is now and so is the rest of the neighborhood and probably everyone we go to synagogue with. Are you happy? All you did was make everyone think that we’re with the mob. I don’t care if you want to spend your time with those degenerates but that’s not who we are. We’re good, hard working, law-abiding people and you’ve dragged our names through the mud. I hope it’s worth it to you. I know you’re going to run away as soon as you can because you’re ashamed of us, I can’t tell why, I guess we’re not smart enough to matter to you. You’ll be successful, probably get everything you ever wanted no matter what it takes or what you have to do to get it. You’ll run away from this dirty tenement and the poor family you’re ashamed of and everyone will be calling me names behind my back because of what you did. But when you do just know this, you’ll never be anyone else. Those gangsters will never accept you as one of their own and neither will the people you want to impress. No matter what you call yourself, what you wear or how you talk you’ll always be you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm not going to lie; everything I know about gangsters comes from Goodfellas and The Sopranos. Also I wished that we got to know more about Howard and Manfreddi's relationship in Agent Carter season 2. I mean, it made for some fun lines but they basically just dropped "Howard has ties to the Mafia" into the show and left it unexplored. I guess thats why I'm writing this, I feel like the hints we get at Howard's backstory have so much potential but no one at Marvel is interested in expanding on it.
> 
> Another thing I'd like the bring up is the perspective issue. The thing I find so interesting about Howard is that he's still the same person across different movies and TV shows, but his actions look very different depending on what you've seen. Again if you just hear Howard talk about how the real secret to science is stealing other people's breakthroughs or the way he treats Vanko or Hank Pym in the movies he just seems like this untrustworthy cut throat businessman. But then we see Cap 1 and his expo footage and its clear that he truly believes technology will make people's lives better.  
> We have that one scene in Agent Carter where Peggy accuses him of being just that, and he's deeply offended because he genuinely wanted Steve's blood for altruistic reasons. Also, we have his whole speech about how, in order to get anywhere, you have to lie, cheat, and steal. He's not saying this because he's just dishonest, selfish, and ruthless (though he is those things at some level). It's because he grew up with nothing and (I think its implied) felt he had to hide the fact that he's queer and Jewish to protect himself. To me I see his suspicion and deception as reactions to growing up poor in a deeply marginalized community with all his sexual baggage. He thinks everyone's out to get him because everyone really is out to get him. 
> 
> Also I'm a sucker for Howard being a worse parent to Tony by loving him than if he actually didn't care


	17. Two Bad Drivers

He never abandons the quest to duplicate the super soldier serum. It came in fits and starts and dead ends. He’d kept it hidden for obvious reasons but it wasn’t security that prevented him from seeking any outside help on the project; it was the thought of what Peggy would say. Even when he finally starts to make real progress for the first time in over a decade he keeps quiet. He remembers how hard she hit him before, he also remembers her telling him that he needed to move on, and she’s already mad enough because of the whole fiasco with Hank Pym. 

Luckily they hear about the ICBM minutes after it launches. Hank and Janet were with a team taking out a rouge Soviet cell somewhere in Siberia. One of the agents on the ground lets them know that Ant Man and the Wasp are currently with the missile trying to disable it even as it heads over Europe. Howard and Peggy start to bark out backup plans both knowing that if those two fail they won’t have time to try anything else. Howard wonders if it’s heading for DC or New York; if the former than these are the last moments of his life. He wonders if it’s just that it hasn’t had enough time to sink in, but it doesn’t really bother him. He’s not sad or frightened, just annoyed that there were so many things he didn’t get to finish. When they hear Hank’s voice over the radio Peggy grabs his hand and squeezes. He squeezes back and they hold on to each other and hold on tight. If the world is about to end they’ll burn together at least.  
But Armageddon doesn’t come, Hank tells them that the missile’s been disabled but he chokes on the words. As soon as he notices Peggy asks  
“Hank, why is Janet not on the line? What happened?”  
“She didn’t make it” then he cuts out

When he comes back they try to give him his space but as soon as he starts speaking to people again they fight about the Pym particle. Peggy is willing to let Hank make the call on the technology. Janet’s death hit her hard but Howard can see that she has other reasons. It all reminds her too much of Steve and the supersolider serum. For all her talk about letting him go in some ways she hangs on to the pain harder than Howard. He feels for Hank but that doesn’t stop him from coming up with a backup plan in the event of him leaving SHIELD. But what he didn’t count on is that, if Peggy didn’t trust him but couldn’t predict him, Hank distrusted him and had his number down completely. He finds out, somehow, about Howard’s attempts to duplicate the Pym particle and consequently tenders his resignation. Of course Peggy reads him the riot act;  
“I cannot believe this Howard. Why did I think you’d learned anything or felt any remorse for your previous actions?”  
“I don’t know Peggy. What I’ve learned is that 9 times out of 10 stealing other scientist’s work is the way to go. But, you know, high-risk high reward. Its not like Hank wasn’t going to leave anyway and honestly he doesn’t bring a huge amount to the table if he’s not going to be the Ant Man.” Howard knows she won’t like this logic but there’s a part of her that understands what he’s saying  
“Your heart is an overflowing reservoir of lies, money, black gunk and noxious cologne” Is Peggy’s response. Sometimes she says things like this and he can’t tell if its meant to be a joke or deadly serious.  
“I’m not saying I don’t care about Hank as a person, I’m just talking about him as an agent. And its not like I don’t feel bad about lying to you but that doesn’t mean I’ll always toe your line.”

He does go to see Hank later without telling Peggy. The fact that he’s willing to see Howard doesn’t surprise him that much; they both know that part of this fight should be in private, they do have a history after all. For a while they do just yell at each other until something in Hank breaks and he stops talking about scientific integrity, the tears start and he gets to the core of the issue.  
“You son of a bitch Stark! Do you have any idea how it feels to be stabbed in the back like this? And the thing I hate is that I never should have trusted you. If it were different it would still hurt but now I hate myself for being such a goddamn moron. I should have seen you coming from miles away. You asshole…”  
Howard grabs the other man by the shoulders and instead of breaking away Hank starts head butting him in the chest. Howard just takes it even as it starts to become genuinely painful.  
“Its not your fault. You’re certainty not the first. I know how much this all hurts but you can’t blame yourself or you’ll go crazy. You need to let yourself feel it you need to let yourself be angry with me…” Hank stops but doesn’t pull away, instead grabbing Howard as well and pulling him close  
“Oh trust me, I am angry. I am feeling it. I will never forgive you, after tonight I never want to see you again.”  
“Then let that be. Hate me, blame me, take it out on me. Just don’t let this poison you. Because I know what that’s like…I really do.” Hank leans into his shoulder and Howard realizes that they are locked in a strangely violent hug.  
“How would you know what this is like? I don’t know what to do without Janet. I can’t work, I can’t be a father to my daughter…any light, and good, any happiness I found in this rotten broken world is gone. You, you’ve never loved like that. You just pick people up and throw them away once you get bored or decide that they’re no longer useful. Guys like me are just a flavor of the week to you.” As if he didn’t already feel guilty, he now wondered if he’d meant more to Hank than he initially thought.  
“I didn’t realize that you felt that way about me” Howard said softly  
“I didn’t…not really…I just don’t like the idea of being yet another disposable piece of ass to you …I guess I thought you were better than my initial impression of you”  
“I do care about you Hank or else, believe me, I wouldn’t be here. And don’t presume to tell me that I’ve never been in this kind of pain…don’t tell me I’ve never been in love either…During the war I…well Peggy and I, both lost someone who was very dear to us and I think we’ve spent the last forty years blaming ourselves…”  
Hank breaks away from him, there are tears in his eyes but his expression has contorted into a nasty humorless grin  
“You’re fucking kidding me. You’re talking about Rogers? Well if that doesn’t just…If I weren’t so miserable right now I’d probably laugh. So was he gay? Now that would really be something, you know I keep hearing rumors...”  
“I don’t see why that’s so damn funny to you. I’ve only ever told two other people. Do you know how hard it is for me to trust anyone? I’ve just handed you one of my deepest darkest secrets…and somehow that’s funny…and no he wasn’t gay. He never knew about the way I felt”  
“You know Stark, I feel sorry for you. You’re right, I really shouldn’t find that amusing…but I do. It makes me laugh that the closest you’ve ever gotten to a genuine romance is a hopeless crush on a guy who probably didn't give you the time of day. That’s not love, that’s how someone who’s trying to be the hero of a mid century modernist novel imagines love. But its good to know that you're loyal to something. I think its funny that you keep telling people you don’t give a shit and put your dirty laundry out for the world to see, but you keep this hidden. I guess I ultimately feel sorry for you because you’ll never know the real thing.”  
“Well than, if I cheered you up a little I guess this was worth it. Goodbye Hank.”  
This is the last they ever see of one another before Howard’s death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ladies and gentlemen for sailing with me aboard the good crackship Hank/Howard. That will be all for now


	18. December 16, 1991

In the living room Maria plays the piano singing a sad song. It’s from a new Broadway musical she went to see with Tony last week.  
Howard doesn’t go to get her yet. First he checks all the windows and doors, especially the one to his downstairs lab. No doubt his son will be pissed at this development, but it was his own damn fault for letting his girlfriend come down and have a look around a couple of days before. Howard admitted that the ensuing argument had been a lot worse than it needed to be, it wasn’t Tony’s fault that the whole thing gave him flashbacks to the Dottie Underwood business. But his son never made these things any easier by point-blank refusing to see his side of things. The one thing that really worried Howard about him was his ability to justify his every action and his complete inability to admit any wrongdoing on his part.  
“Ok, so lets pretend this chick was some kind of international spy or whatever, its not my fault if she wants to screw around with our tech whatever she does with it isn’t my responsibility”  
“Of course its your responsibility Tony! If its something you made; whatever it does, whoever it hurts or kills, whoever uses it; that’s on you!”  
They were now on speaking terms again but were still at the stage where they only communicated through sarcasm. 

Howard checks his suitcase for the fiftieth time before going into the living room for his golf clubs  
“Who’s the homeless person on the couch?” Tony just kind of groans at him. He’s been there all day, sleeping off last night’s hangover. He can’t tell if Maria was ignoring this or trying to make him uncomfortable (in her own passive aggressive way) with her piano playing.  
“Tony’s been studying abroad” Says Maria, still not looking at either of them. Once again he can’t make out what she’s trying to do here. Maybe get them on a neutral topic of conversation or pretend that her son has a good reason for sleeping on the couch all day  
“Oh yeah, which broad?” He fires back tweaking Tony’s inexplicable Santa hat  
‘I know my son’ he thinks ‘He doesn’t think I know him but I do. I take him as he is and don’t pretend he’s anyone else. I know him because I remember what I was like at twenty one.’  
He tells his son not to burn the house down while they’re away  
“See, this is why I love coming back here” 

Jesus, the kid acted like every other dad in America didn’t make that same joke. But of course he would, Howard had to fit the role of the monster for him. Everyone else told Tony what he wanted to hear and so, by contrast, any jibes from his father were acts of unimaginable cruelty. He hears Maria tell Tony that he misses him when he’s not around. It wasn’t something he’d ever expressed out loud to his wife but it was more or less true. He did like having him around, at least until they fought about something.  
“Hey Maria, its time to hit the road” He walks back into the room and pats his son on the shoulder  
“We’ll be back soon kid, have a good time and remember that Jarvis is in the city if you need him. If anything really nuts happens go down to DC and stay with Peggy. Also she’s my executor just in case…well anyway make good choices” He shouldn’t have brought up the will but the whole business with the suitcase had him on edge.  
“Sure dad” Tony doesn’t look at him when he says this and instead stares sullenly at the candle on the piano.  
“Bye bye sweetheart”  
“Bye mom” He shouldn’t be gratified that Tony doesn’t look at Maria either but it makes him feel a little less singled out.

In the garage he asks his wife if she wants to take a separate car.  
“Why would I do that?”  
“I’m…I’m taking something to the Pentagon” He gestures with his head at the trunk.  
“You couldn’t do that any other time?” she sounds exasperated  
“That’s the point, it looks like I’m just dropping in to take care of something before I head out for the holidays. It doesn’t look important” Is his reply but it just seems to make it worse  
“I’m not comfortable with this Howard”  
“That’s why I’m suggesting you take another car. You can go ahead and wait at the airport”  
“No I’m coming with you. I just wish you would ask me about these things ahead of time”

Once he starts driving they don’t talk for a while, but as the familiar road keeps going she puts her hand on the top of his thigh, not so high as to be suggestive but still a little distracting  
“If you’re worried about all this why do you stay? I don’t want to sound like I’m blaming you or anything, it’s just that I warned you that being with me came with risks. This is the kind of thing I was talking about”  
“I get that, but you should have cleared it with me ahead of time. Its being shut out that really gets to me”  
“I’ll remember that in future. Though I do have to keep everyone out of some portion of the loop” He lapses into silence for a minute. They pass a sign for a deer crossing. Far behind them a motorcyclist turns onto the road “I guess what I’m really asking is why do you put up with all this?”  
“Is it so crazy to think that you’re worth it?”  
“Yeah, that sounds nuts to me. But its sweet of you to say, once we’re alone in our hotel room I’ll make sure to shake the paint off your walls to remind you of what I am actually good for.” His wife laughs and runs her hand a little further down his leg  
“As much as I will appreciate that I would like to get an answer to this question sometime…what exactly is it that’s wrong with me?” He knows what she’s really asking ‘Why don’t you love me?’ but she can’t ask that because you can’t answer that kind of question  
“When did I ever say that there was anything wrong with you? There’s nothing wrong with you…” This isn’t strictly true, there’s something wrong with everyone after all. But it does answer the implied question, he doesn’t choose who he loves or else he would love her. It would be easy and it’s not entirely foreign to him  
“And I do love you Maria. I know you don’t think so but I do love you”  
“I love you too, I’ve fought that for a long time but I’ve accepted it. Now I don’t know what I’d do without you”

Howard turns to her, taking his eyes off the road, but before he can say anything a loud crack splits the air and the car careens off to the side of the road try as he might to correct it. They hit a tree and his neck snaps forward, forehead colliding with the side of the window. He’s in pain but what really bothers him is the light and the fact that his brain doesn’t seem to be working. Something warm and wet trickles down his forehead. The door is yanked open and he falls out onto the pavement.  
“Please, help my wife.” He asks the stranger, its just his first reaction. He tries to stand but it isn’t working and then he’s pulled upright and propped against the car like a doll. 

There’s a man in black leather in front of him but he felt metal in his hand and he seems too strong somehow. It didn’t surprise him though, he’s seen too much in his time. He isn’t even surprised when the man leans over him and turns out to be one of his ghosts, one of those he’d almost forgotten;  
“Sargent Barnes” 

But the ghost doesn’t recognize him, there is nothing behind his eyes. Without warning cold steel connects with Howard’s face. Pain blinds him as he hears the crack and crunch of the delicate bones in his face.  
But soon he sees nothing, feels nothing, is nothing. The future runs out on Howard completely and his life belongs exclusively to the past.


	19. Collateral Damage

Tony Stark hears the phone ringing through the noise of the party. At first he figures he should just let it go. But then he figures if it’s his father than he’ll be in deep shit if he doesn’t answer it. So he interrupts a blonde girl with a great ass, in the middle of her boring as hell story, and runs over to the alcove to pick it up

At first he doesn’t believe what he’s hearing, when he’s told his parents are in the morgue he asks if the man is joking. But it becomes very clear that this isn’t funny. He hangs up and pushes through more people. He can’t breathe right now and if he doesn’t get away from them he’s going to suffocate. He finds an unoccupied bathroom where he locks the door and slides down the wall. At first the tears don’t come. His breath and beating heart are all he’s aware of in the moment with a vague understanding from the music and the shouting that people are having fun on the other side of the door. 

The words swirled in his head in no particular order because they all came back to the same point;  
Mom  
Dad  
Car crash  
Morgue  
Mom  
Hit a tree  
Dad  
Swerve  
Injuries consistent  
Broken skull  
Broken neck  
Dead  
Dead  
Dead 

That’s when the tears come, pointless as they are. He isn’t sure for how long he’s crying, it never really seems to stop. There’s a pounding on the door, which he ignores until he hears Rhodey’s voice calling his name.  
He gets up and opens it, he knows his friend won’t be able to fix this but he’ll have some idea of what to do.  
“Tony I was worried about you…shit… what’s the matter?”  
“Its my parents, they were in a car accident. They’re both…” He can’t say it but he doesn’t have to  
“God. I’m so, so sorry” Rhodey gives him a hug and they stand there like that for a few minutes. When they break apart Tony wishes it could have lasted a little longer but doesn’t say anything  
“Ok what do you need?” Rhodey asks “What do we do now?”  
“I don’t know…what do you think we should do?” He knows there are things he needs to take care of, even though his dearest wish right now is to get so hammered he won’t even remember he had parents.  
“First of all I’m going to get everyone out of the house then we can make some phone calls. Jarvis and Director Carter right?”  
Tony nods slowly “Dad told me to call Peggy if anything happened…I wasn’t listening… I would have thought of that already…that’s the last conversation I’ll ever have with him and I wasn’t paying attention.”  
“You can’t beat yourself up about this. Look I get that you guys had a complicated relationship but…I’m sure he knew…”  
Rhodey trails off here. He can tell that his friend isn’t quiet sure what to say. Normally that line would end with “He knew you loved him” but had his father known that? Had he really loved his father? Or was that emotion only there because their relationship, over the years, had been so intense in so many ways; want and need and anger and disappointment and sadness. No, there was no point in hiding from it, especially now. He did love his father, you have to love someone to want them to love you back that much. 

His friend leaves him alone in the bathroom where he takes a shower so he can cry some more then dry off. When he comes out into the kitchen he doesn’t look like a total disaster and he finds Rhodey on the phone.  
“Yes mam…and I think its imperative that we keep any press as far away from Tony as we possibly can…I can make some statements, I hear that sometimes ‘A friend of the family commented today’…no I’m not used to responding to the deaths of famous people…why thank you very much, I’m trying my best…yes he’s out here now. I’ll put him on” he waves the telephone in Tony’s direction and he picks it up  
“Darling” it’s a familiar woman’s voice. He wonders if she’s shaken by this, but its impossible to tell with Peggy’s combination of ‘I lived through the war’ and ‘stiff upper lip’  
“You stay right where you are. Can you last a few hours before Mr. Jarvis gets there?”  
“Yeah I’ll be here” he tells her  
Peggy doesn’t try and sugarcoat anything “You won’t have to identify the bodies. I’m going to do that myself” Something about her tone of voice made him suspicious.  
“Why? What is it you don’t want me to see?”  
“Your parents’ dead bodies. Isn’t that enough? Also I heard it was a rather nasty accident” 

How did she know what kind of an accident? Rhodey probably hadn’t told her that. He wonders how long she’s known and why she’s so keen on this issue  
“Was it an accident? Say what you like about his drinking but Dad gets someone else to drive when he’s had a few. And he was sober when he left” Was he though? Once again he realized that he hadn’t been paying attention. Between the grogginess, the remains of his hangover and his need for his parents to just get out so that he could enjoy himself free of nagging he’d been miles away for a lot of that final conversation. 

“I’m sure it was. He was on a dark winding road late at night, plenty of people have accidents in those conditions regardless of their sobriety”  
“Ok Peggy…just let me know if anything comes up. I don’t want to be left out of the loop”  
“I promise I won’t. I’ll see you soon my dear. We’ll get you through this one way or another” He hangs up the phone and heads straight to the liquor cabinet  
“Hey there that’s not part of the plan” Rhodey sounds genuinely alarmed, as opposed to his usual token show of disapproval that he always needed to get out of the way when they were making bad decisions  
“Man believe me, I’m glad to have you here right now. But its my god given right to get blackout drunk at a time like this and you’re not going to stop me”  
“Its not now that I’m worried about. I’d let you do this if I thought it was just going to be for a night. But with you, Tony, I bet its not”

He’s right as usual. He locks himself in his dad’s study for the rest of the night in an alcoholic haze, being careful to stay within his limits enough that he can keep drinking. Despite the best efforts of those around him he swims in and out of drunkenness from then until the funeral. 

Jarvis has to fasten his cufflinks and tie his tie for him. It reminds him of his father taking him to get suit for graduation. His old man hadn’t actually been able to show up for his graduation and had been unable to give an excuse. He’d claimed the reason was confidential  
“And by 'confidential' I'm assuming it means that a high class prostitute was involved somehow?” he’d asked. His mother had explained to him before that they had an “open marriage” but he always assumed that just meant ‘dad sticks it wherever and makes sure to get tested and buys mom some diamonds or a designer purse’.  
It probably had been something important after all, but the graduation suit was something he both resented and welcomed. He’d bitched and moaned about how his father didn’t care about what he wanted or what was really going on with him as long as he looked good for the photos. But he had to admit he did look good, it felt good too and his father looked at him with something akin to pride.  
“You’re a handsome young man, you know. You should dress like this more often” he had wanted to say ‘But then I’d just look like you. You do know a big part of the reason I wear those beat up tee shirts with band names on them is so that I can have something to differentiate us? Also me dressing like a slob pisses you off, you don’t understand them and their music makes you feel old. Those are all wins in my book. But mainly, that way I won’t look like a knock off version of you.’

“You should try and sober up before the funeral.” His butler says softly  
“Trust me. I need to be drunk for this” Jarvis pauses  
“I know you hate being compared to your father but I’m going to go ahead and say this anyway. I saw Mr. Stark hide at the bottom of a bottle too often over the years and I never said anything, never stopped him”  
“That’s because you’re a fucking enabler. Don’t ever change” He wants to brush this confession off as quickly as he can. Because the role he’s cast Jarvis in is that of the perfect long-suffering servant. His father is always the one who needs to be tolerated in this narrative, by him, by mom, by Jarvis, by Peggy. The idea that his devoted manservant could be seen as bearing some level of responsibility for his father’s alcoholism; that’s not one Tony wants to entertain. It complicates things.  
“Alcohol doesn’t numb the emotions, it just disconnects them from the source of the pain.” Jarvis responds as he loops the silk of the tie in a complicated maneuver  
“Dad said I needed to learn to bend before I break. That’s what I’m trying to do right now.” Stark men are made of iron after all.  
“Your father was one of the most broken people I ever knew. That isn’t mutually exclusive with strength, mind you. Sometimes the most damaged people have to be the hardest; to keep the cracks from showing and the seams from coming apart. Don’t be afraid to break; just be sure you can put things back together again.” 

The funeral is as bad as he thought it was going to be. A bunch of businessmen who didn’t really know his father, only quoting his accomplishments like it was a book report and acted like his mother didn’t exist. The people who spoke about his mom talked about how great their relationship had been and treated her charity work like a bored socialite’s hobby. He wanted to throw up. Of course that might have been the booze.  
Not all of the speakers were like that. Peggy of course managed to give a heartfelt tribute and make everyone laugh even as she couldn’t keep the tears from her eyes. Then a relative (who he’d only heard of once) came and talked about growing up in New York during the Depression and what her brother had been like then, before they’d stopped speaking to each other.  
After the whole thing she introduces herself as his aunt Rachel and asked him to come see her sometime. He never does.  
In the end the mourners trail away and it’s just the three of them left. He and Peggy leave their flowers. Jarvis makes a small pile of stones on his father’s plot, the way he’s done for his wife over the years.

When Tony gets home, he goes to their rooms for the first time since the crash.  
His mom’s is in disarray; the bed unmade, lipstick tubes and powder compacts on the tables, a perfume bottle on the floor, scattered outfits she’d decided not to bring on the trip she’d never taken. 

He goes to his father’s room next where everything is much more precise. He wonders why it is that his lab is always a disaster but dad insisted on a clean room. He’d been here before when Howard was away; to try on cologne, steal whiskey, look at the dirty magazines and signed pictures of starlets under the bed, and steal his father’s clothing if he had a fancy event to go to or a girl to impress.  
The one thing out of place is an old silk bathrobe draped over the chair in the corner. His dad never got rid of anything if he could help it and he’d seen photos of him in this that had been taken back in the 40s.  
He brings the fabric up to his face and smells the blend of scotch, aftershave and something vaguely metallic that he immediately associates with his dad. It takes him back to his childhood, that night Jarvis was sick and his father had tucked him into bed, one time they’d finished something they were working on and they’d shared an awkward one armed hug, or that frightening night when Howard had destroyed his study and held Tony like the world was ending. 

That was when it really dawns on him that this is all that’s left of his father. After everything he did, everyone who knew him, every book and article written, all his hopes and dreams and epic failures and epic triumphs; the only things that are still here are memories, clothes, and a legacy that he must find some way to live up to. For the first time in his life, he questions whether or not Captain America was an actual person when he was alive, instead of a collection of ideals. When Steve Rogers fell out of his own life and into history what had been left of him besides memorabilia and an icon and the grief of the people who loved him? When Tony dies, what in this world will be left of him? 

 

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thats the end folks! Thank you to everyone who left comments and kudos and subscribed, I love you all and I would probably have given up on this without your support
> 
> If you'll all permit me to get personal for a minute here;  
> I feel like most fanfic writers struggle with the idea that they're writing novels about other people's characters for free on the internet for a few people to read, I've definitely struggled with prioritizing this kind of thing over my "real" writing. I know there are things I probably should be doing with the time I've spent writing this but I also hope that I've been able to entertain you. If I've managed to take your mind off of things for just a few minutes than I think its worth it


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